Dear Daughters,
Friendships are just a natural part of life, right? Everyone has friends, right? Everyone has a "best friend", right? No, not necessarily! Friendships do not develop naturally - we are all selfish by our human nature so we tend to seek a friendship to meet our needs, and that is not a good basis for a friendship. Friendships often spring out of the natural situation of activities that we do with other people, but those are not necessarily friendship that are good for us. So how can we develop friendships that are beneficial to us and glorify God, and who should we be friends with?
First, let's talk about friendship in general. But what, exactly, is a friendship? One definition I found is "a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard" I think that is a good place to start. But friendships come in all shapes and sizes! There are several levels of friendships - acquaintances, casual friendships, intimate friendships and spiritual mentoring friendships. For simplicity's sake, I'm going to put friendships in to 4 categories - Acquaintances, Casual, Intimate, Mentor.
Acquaintance Friendships are those who you know because you are involved in similar activities - church, sports, classes, neighbors or possibly close friends of your family members or friends. You know them by name, and you may have talked with them a few times, but you are not connected to them in a close way.
Casual Friendships are those you know better than acquaintances, and you might even have their phone number on your address book on your phone. You probably talk with them regularly, but might hesitate to share intimate things with them. This type of friendship can come and go depending on your stage in life, or your activities. If you no longer do the activity that you share with that person, the friendship might fade away, but yet if you run across them later you enjoy catching up with them.
Intimate Friendships are those where you are so close that you can share things with them that you would not share with anyone unless you have a high level of trust in them - and they feel the same way about you! These are the friends whom you choose to spend time with whenever you can, and they are the first people you try to make contact with when something good or difficult happens to you. These friendships tend to last a long time - even if the common activity that brought you together is no longer part of your friendship. These are usually lifetime friendships. Even if you get busy and forget to call them, when something big happens, they are still the first person you call!
Mentor Friendships are a close relationship with someone who is teaching and helping you through the stages of your life, or it might be that you are teaching and helping someone. Usually this is a relationship between someone older and someone younger in physical age, but it might be that the two are older and younger spiritually speaking. This friendship may be short term, or long term, depending on your situation.
Before I go any further, let's see what the Bible says about friendships!
In Job there are a lot of interesting interactions between Job and his friends. They gave him mostly bad advice! He was discouraged by his friendships. He says "“I am a joke to my friends, the one who called on God and He answered him; The just and blameless man is a joke." And also "“My friends are my scoffers; My eye weeps to God." God even takes Job's friends to task, saying, "“My wrath is kindled against you and against your two friends, because you have not spoken of Me what is right as My servant Job has." Friendships can be a source of encouragement or discouragement! I found it very interesting, and this was new to me, that it says in Job 42:10 - "The LORD restored the fortunes of Job when he prayed for his friends, and the LORD increased all that Job had twofold."
Proverbs has a lot to say about friendship - in Proverbs 17:17 it says "A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity" and in 18:24, "A man of too many friends comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother" Many believe that this friend who sticks closer than a brother is referring to Jesus! It also says that "Faithful are the wounds of a friend". In Proverbs 13:20 it says "He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm"
Ecclesiastes has a very profound comment about friends and companions - "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up."
Jesus talks about friends a lot, and much of it is not favorable - "But you will be betrayed even by parents and brothers and relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death" but He also says much about the value of true friendship - "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends" and "You are My friends if you do what I command you", and "No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you".
James says that Abraham was a friend of God because he believed what God was telling Him. He also states that "You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God."
But all that doesn't really tell us much about the ins and outs of friendships, but it does tell us that God created friendship for the benefit of humans, and that He values friendship highly. Friendships can be something that really adds to our life, or it can cause much heartache. Friends can lift us up and inspire us to live a better life, or draw us down into the depths of depravity! Much of my life I have been trying to make friends and maintain friendships, with many successes, but many failures as well. Some of my greatest pain has come from friendships that have gone bad, but many of my friendships have given me the strength to keep on going, and others have inspired me to seek the Lord and excel in my relationship with Him.
What I really want to share with you today is what I have learned about friendships - how to be a friend, who you should seek to have as friends, and who you should avoid having friendships with. There are also other things I will share along the way.
Acquaintances, in general, are friendships that we don't have a lot of control over. These friendships are developed when we are participating in our community. But we can be careful about what activities we become involved in, carefully thinking about the kind of people we might encounter and the possible influence on your life, either for good or for bad! I'm not saying you should never rub shoulders with unbelievers, because we are called to be light in the darkness! But if the majority of our contacts outside our home are with unbelievers, this could have a detrimental influence in our lives. God brings people into our lives for our good and His glory - and their good as well. So think about the acquaintances in your life and your interaction with them - are you a light in their darkness? Does your interaction with them allow them to glimpse Jesus? Do your actions and words make it known that you are a committed follower of Christ? Do you ask the Holy Spirit to use you in the lives of your acquaintances? You really should. And pray that He would lead you so that you might do His will, not your own. When God puts it on your heart to share your faith with another, pray and then proceed! Only God saves, but He often uses imperfect human being to do His work here on earth, and don't you want to be used of Him?
Casual Friendships are those who you are closer to than an acquaintance, and you should take care who of you acquaintances become your casual friendships. Casual friendships can be a great way to invest in the life of a non-believer, sharing your love for the Lord in a deeper way. But casual friendships can also work the other way - the allurement of the world and wrong priorities and thoughts can work their way into your heart and dampen your love for Christ, causing you to lose sight of His will for you each day. This is especially true for young women. Worldly girls tend to be preoccupied with things of this world - clothes, worldly music, boyfriends and immoral behavior like drinking, smoking and doing drugs. There are even many young women who claim to be Christians, yet they are constantly thinking about boys, clothes and money. A young woman who want to be a woman after God's own heart should have her mind stayed on Christ and seeking to become a mature Christian before she ever thinks about marriage - and "thinking about boys" has nothing to do with marriage, and can lead young women to behaving in a way that is certainly not being a light in the darkness. So don't let you friends chose you, you must carefully chose who you spend time with, so that you can keep your focus on serving Christ in the lives of your friends, and not be pulled down by spending too much time with girls that are worldly minded. But that doesn't mean that you can't have a friend or two whom have purposed to be a friend in order to inspire them to live for Christ, but be very careful that you are strong in the Lord and going in with God's leading.
Intimate Friendships are those that last. These are often referred to a bosom friends. I take that as meaning that you are so knit together that it would tear your heart to lose this friendship. These friendships take time and purpose to develop, especially for young people who are homeschooled, as the time and opportunity to friendships outside your family can be very limited. But, speaking of family, have you ever considered that the best resource for a lifetime, intimate friendship is your family? Your siblings have been raised the way you have, and they are available almost 24/7! Don't discredit your siblings when you think about intimate friendship. Your sisters and brothers will always be your sisters and brothers, but the close friends of you childhood may no longer be in your life when you are a young lady, and the close friends of your youth may no longer be bosom friends when you are an adult! The life we lead, the stages we go through, can change so much and you will always find that your closest friends are those with whom you share the most in common in your beliefs, you current stage of life and your style of living. That doesn't mean that you can only have close friends who are very similar to you, but it is much easier to share your happiness, difficulties and dreams with those who are in similar situations as you are.
Intimate friendships are so important in life. As Ecclesiastes pointed out, having a friend by your side (or being beside your friend) through tough times give us the strength to carry on, and God uses these friendships in our lives to meet our needs. We must turn to our Heavenly Father first, but He has put your close friends in your life for a purpose, for both you and your friend! These friendships must be cultivated, and they should be with like-minded Christian girls and women. They don't have to be your age (some of my closest friends are nearly half my age), but they should be traveling the same spiritual road as you, so that you can both give and get encouragement to stay true to Jesus. But you might ask, how can I cultivate this kind of friendship? It takes purpose - get to know them, ask them questions about what they like, find out what their hobbies are, share with them your spiritual journey. Being a friend takes putting the other person first. Pray for them, ask them how you can pray for them. When you are planning something, include them in the plans. Try to invite them to events that you are attending. Invite them to your home. Make gifts for them, or send them little notes saying that you are praying for them. Find out when their birthday is and do something special for them. Don't look to your friends for what you can get from them, look to see how you can invest in that person's life to encourage them in all they do. Be their cheerleader! Rejoice when they are rejoicing, comfort them when they are hurting, share life with them and take time to call them just to talk!
Spiritual Friendships are those special friendships where you have agreed with that person to share your spiritual journey intimately with them, and they with you. This type of friendship is difficult to develop, and sometimes it's hard to find the right friend to fill this spot in your life. This might not even be something that lasts a lifetime, but it can. Spiritual friendships are purposeful - they are a commitment between two close friends to pray for each other, share struggles and create goals for spiritual growth and ministering to our families. This requires a deep trust. Are you trustworthy? Are you good at keeping a secret? Can your friend trust you because they know that when they share something personal with you, you keep it between the two of you and the Lord? You need to be trustworthy in order to develop and friendship like this, so if this is an area you need to work on, take it to the Lord and ask Him to help you develop this character trait.
I have a question for you - when you tell someone you will pray for them, do you? Do you keep a prayer list so that you can remember to pray for those you have committed to praying for? If not, start today. If you are already doing this, then I suggest you take it one step further and begin to journal your prayers. These two steps are great ways to prepare to have an intimate spiritual friendship when the Lord brings it into your life. Pray for this kind of friendship, and that the Lord would lead you to the right person.
I want to encourage you to work at your friendships. Take time and energy to invest in the lives of those friends who the Lord has brought into you life, who share your goals and spiritual walk. Look for ways you can BE a friend to others, how you can minister to your friends and acquaintances. Never "read between the lines" with friends. Take them at their word. Be ready to forgive, and slow to take offence. Be careful to choose wisely those you spend your time with. Pray for godly friendships, and that the Lord will teach you to be a godly friend. Defend your friends when anyone says something against them, and never say anything about your friends unless it is positive and encouraging. And invest in the friendships God has placed in your home - your brothers and sisters. You'll never regret it.
Lastly, I want to point out that the friendships that you are involved in and developing in your youth are an excellent tool to equipping you to be a loving wife. The best marriages are based on an intimate friendship! I am not recommending that you foster intimate friendship with boys or men outside your family, not at all. But when God brings that special someone into your life, the experiences you have had with your friends and siblings, as well as the developing of the skills of being a true friend will have prepared you to be your husband's best friend, confidant, help-meet and cheerleader!
All My Love,
Mom
