My Daughters,
We all love fairy tales...a young innocent girl pines away in her castle for her true love, Prince Charming, to rescue her from her dull life. Prince Charming arrives on his trusty steed and whisks the young girl off her feet, they have their "true love's first kiss" and they ride off into the sunset, right? In some of the fairy tales, they get married, in some you assume they do. But it's usually the basic boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happily ever after. And you have probably thought about your prince charming and played pretend about getting married and living happily ever after, but when you look around at the lives of people you know, those who live happily ever after without a care in the world are few and far between (and possibly extinct, right?).
The love portrayed in fairy tales is just that, a fairy tale. It doesn't exist, and it shouldn't exist, in our real world. Occasionally you will hear of couple who "fell in love at first sight", but that is a fallacy...they may form a desire at first sight, but there is no possible way to develop a love that lasts a lifetime based on first impressions. There might be something that makes you think "he may be the one", but it is definitely not love. You may even be very impressed by someone's appearance or demeanor to the point of wanting to know that person more, but that is not love either. Many people confuse desire for love. Looking at another person and liking what you see, is not love, it is desire. Just like you might see a candy that looks delicious, and it's appearance makes you desire to taste it...but until you bite into it you have no idea what's inside.
One time I was travelling and stopped by a little coffee shop and purchased some delicious looking chocolates. They were expensive, but they looked so scrumptious that I just could not resist...they were worth the price, at least I believed they were worth the effort to find out. I was in a hurry, so I took them with me to the car to eat while I was on the ferry. Once I was settled and parked on the ferry, I opened the package and took out one of the chocolates...man it looked good! I took a little nibble and it was as delicious as it looked - smooth creamy chocolate that melts in you mouth as smooth as silk...so I took a bite that went all the way to the middle...YUCK! The middle tasted like mold! How disgusting! I have never tasted anything so vile when expecting something so delicious!
People can be like that chocolate. You can only see what's on the outside. Even when you spend lots of time with other people! Unless you live with that person you probably won't see the real deal. Most people put their best face forward, especially when they are not at home. You might think you know someone, but until you spend a lot of time with them, and especially spend time with them in their home and with their family, you probably know only what they want you to know about them! They may look like wonderful chocolate, but you have no idea if they are harboring something disgusting inside.
So how in the world can you ever find a true Prince Charming? You don't. Wait on the Lord, seek His face and find your all in Him. Look to Him to fill all your needs and learn to love others the way Christ loves us. In God's perfect timing, He will bring "The One" He has chosen for you into your life. But that is for another letter - there's so much more to say about that.
This letter is about love. The kind of love that takes work. The kind of love that lasts a lifetime. The kinds of love that will continue even after you have found something unlovable in the object of your love. The love I want to share with you today is not a feeling (but it can result in strong feelings), but a choice. It's a commitment to love another person regardless of what they can do for you. This is called Agape love, and it is a love that is unconditional. This is the kind of love that Jesus has for us. He loved us while we were yet sinners and died for us even before we loved Him.
This kind of love is what it takes to make a marriage work. A total, 100% commitment to loving your spouse no matter what they have done to earn your love, or what they have done to earn your wrath. But how can you have this love? How can you learn to love in this way?
God is the only one who can enable you to love in this manner. He has placed you in your family for a purpose - to learn to love unconditionally. Family is forever...friends may come and friends may go, but your mother and father will always be your mother and father, and your sisters and brothers will always be your sisters and brothers. Living with your family, day in and day out, will give you ample opportunities to choose to love others even when they are unlovable. I know this is true in our family!
What does this kind of love look like in a family? This is the kind of love that will do things for others. This kind of love will mean going beyond what is required of you. If you see that your sister or brother has left his shoes out on the lawn and it is beginning to rain, you will go out there and grab the shoes and put them away for your sibling...and not even tell them about it. This kind of love will cause you to think "I should make some popcorn today because my sister loves popcorn and that would make her happy". Agape love puts the other person first, regardless of their worthiness to receive this love. Remember, God loved us while we were most unlovable - before we accepted His gift of salvation, while we were still living a life of selfishness and breaking His laws and hating Him. Agape love is choosing to love someone and committing yourself to loving that person no matter what.
But, you may ask, what does Agape love have to do with marriage - aren't married couples already "in love"? Isn't the love already mutual? It might be, but in any marriage there will come a time when your spouse will not meet your expectations, or he might even do something really terrible. We are all sinners, saved by God's grace. We don't stop sinning the moment we become a child of God. But we have forgiveness through Christ's blood. But sometimes our sins, and the sins of others, can hurt those we love. Sometimes we don't even realize that we have hurt those we love. And many times, the sins of those we love hurt us. But that does not give us a right to withhold our love for them. If you have made a commitment to love your family with an Agape love, then you will continue to love them even when they seem unlovable.
Use this time in your life to practice unconditional love to the members of our family. Treat them as you would your best friend - pray for them, forgive without being asked, think of things that you can do that will make them enjoy the day, do things for them that will make their burdens light, and plan your activities to include them. Even when you don't feel like it. Remember, just because you feel something, it doesn't mean it's true! When you don't feel like showing Agape love, remind yourself of all that God, through Christ, has done for you and remind yourself that you have committed to loving that person unconditionally and chose to do something special for that person today.
I know this works. I have experienced this in my life. A very wise counselor told me that in order to release the resentment I had built up towards someone in my life, I had to chose to love that person. I had to pray for that person. I didn't live with this person, so for the most part, I could only pray. But every time I thought of that person or began to recount in my mind all that that person had done to hurt me, I stopped myself and said a prayer that God would bless them and give them a wonderful day and that that person would feel the love of God. It took a long time, but after a few months I began to realize that I was no longer resentful towards that person. I was actually feeling positive towards that person and began to see them in a new light. Since that time I can say that I have no more resentment (even when that person does something that offends me) and that I have a genuine love for that person.
Your emotions can and will follow your mind. Choose to love those in your family and learn to pour out love on them and this will prepare you for loving your husband. Loving your husband is not something that will come easily at all times...yes, there will be times when your husband does things that create a strong feeling of love, but there will be many other times when your husband will not create these feelings and that is when your commitment to love him "in sickness and in health, in rich or in poor" will take all that is in you and then some...but God is able and with His help you will be able to say with Paul "I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength." Love God, ask for His wisdom and strength, and love your family (and in the future, your husband) at all times and all circumstances.
All My Love,
Mom
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