Friendships - How to be a Friend, How to Choose a Friendship

Dear Daughters,

Friendships are just a natural part of life, right?  Everyone has friends, right?  Everyone has a "best friend", right? No, not necessarily!  Friendships do not develop naturally - we are all selfish by our human nature so we tend to seek a friendship to meet our needs, and that is not a good basis for a friendship.  Friendships often spring out of the natural situation of activities that we do with other people, but those are not necessarily friendship that are good for us.  So how can we develop friendships that are beneficial to us and glorify God, and who should we be friends with?  


First, let's talk about friendship in general.  But what, exactly, is a friendship?  One definition I found is "a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard"  I think that is a good place to start.  But friendships come in all shapes and sizes!  There are several levels of friendships - acquaintances, casual friendships, intimate friendships and spiritual mentoring friendships.  For simplicity's sake, I'm going to put friendships in to 4 categories -  Acquaintances, Casual, Intimate, Mentor.  


Acquaintance Friendships are those who you know because you are involved in similar activities - church, sports, classes, neighbors or possibly close friends of your family members or friends.  You know them by name, and you may have talked with them a few times, but you are not connected to them in a close way.


Casual Friendships are those you know better than acquaintances, and you might even have their phone number on your address book on your phone.  You probably talk with them regularly, but might hesitate to share intimate things with them.  This type of friendship can come and go depending on your stage in life, or your activities.  If you no longer do the activity that you share with that person, the friendship might fade away, but yet if you run across them later you enjoy catching up with them.


Intimate Friendships are those where you are so close that you can share things with them that you would not share with anyone unless you have a high level of trust in them - and they feel the same way about you!  These are the friends whom you choose to spend time with whenever you can, and they are the first people you try to make contact with when something good or difficult happens to you.  These friendships tend to last a long time - even if the common activity that brought you together is no longer part of your friendship.  These are usually lifetime friendships.  Even if you get busy and forget to call them, when something big happens, they are still the first person you call!


Mentor Friendships are a close relationship with someone who is teaching and helping you through the stages of your life, or it might be that you are teaching and helping someone.  Usually this is a relationship between someone older and someone younger in physical age, but it might be that the two are older and younger spiritually speaking.  This friendship may be short term, or long term, depending on your situation.


Before I go any further, let's see what the Bible says about friendships!  


In Job there are a lot of interesting interactions between Job and his friends.  They gave him mostly bad advice!   He was discouraged by his friendships. He says "“I am a joke to my friends, the one who called on God and He answered him; The just and blameless man is a joke."  And also "“My friends are my scoffers; My eye weeps to God."  God even takes Job's friends to task, saying, "“My wrath is kindled against you and against your two friends, because you have not spoken of Me what is right as My servant Job has."  Friendships can be a source of encouragement or discouragement!  I found it very interesting, and this was new to me, that it says in Job 42:10 - "The LORD restored the fortunes of Job when he prayed for his friends, and the LORD increased all that Job had twofold."  


Proverbs has a lot to say about friendship - in Proverbs 17:17 it says "A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity" and in 18:24, "A man of too many friends comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother"  Many believe that this friend who sticks closer than a brother is referring to Jesus!  It also says that "Faithful are the wounds of a friend".   In Proverbs 13:20 it says "He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm"


Ecclesiastes has a very profound comment about friends and companions - "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up."


Jesus talks about friends a lot, and much of it is not favorable - "But you will be betrayed even by parents and brothers and relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death" but He also says much about the value of true friendship - "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends" and "You are My friends if you do what I command you", and "No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you".


James says that Abraham was a friend of God because he believed what God was telling Him. He also states that "You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God."


But all that doesn't really tell us much about the ins and outs of friendships, but it does tell us that God created friendship for the benefit of humans, and that He values friendship highly.  Friendships can be something that really adds to our life, or it can cause much heartache.  Friends can lift us up and inspire us to live a better life, or draw us down into the depths of depravity!  Much of my life I have been trying to make friends and maintain friendships, with many successes, but many failures as well.  Some of my greatest pain has come from friendships that have gone bad, but many of my friendships have given me the strength to keep on going, and others have inspired me to seek the Lord and excel in my relationship with Him. 


What I really want to share with you today is what I have learned about friendships - how to be a friend, who you should seek to have as friends, and who you should avoid having friendships with.  There are also other things I will share along the way.


Acquaintances, in general, are friendships that we don't have a lot of control over.  These friendships are developed when we are participating in our community.  But we can be careful about what activities we become involved in, carefully thinking about the kind of people we might encounter and the possible influence on your life, either for good or for bad!  I'm not saying you should never rub shoulders with unbelievers, because we are called to be light in the darkness!  But if the majority of our contacts outside our home are with unbelievers, this could have a detrimental influence in our lives.  God brings people into our lives for our good and His glory - and their good as well.  So think about the acquaintances in your life and your interaction with them - are you a light in their darkness?  Does your interaction with them allow them to glimpse Jesus?  Do your actions and words make it known that you are a committed follower of Christ?  Do you ask the Holy Spirit to use you in the lives of your acquaintances?  You really should.  And pray that He would lead you so that you might do His will, not your own.  When God puts it on your heart to share your faith with another, pray and then proceed!  Only God saves, but He often uses imperfect human being to do His work here on earth, and don't you want to be used of Him?


Casual Friendships are those who you are closer to than an acquaintance, and you should take care who of you acquaintances become your casual friendships.  Casual friendships can be a great way to invest in the life of a non-believer, sharing your love for the Lord in a deeper way.  But casual friendships can also work the other way - the allurement of the world and wrong priorities and thoughts can work their way into your heart and dampen your love for Christ, causing you to lose sight of His will for you each day.  This is especially true for young women.  Worldly girls tend to be preoccupied with things of this world - clothes, worldly music, boyfriends and immoral behavior like drinking, smoking and doing drugs.  There are even many young women who claim to be Christians, yet they are constantly thinking about boys, clothes and money.  A young woman who want to be a woman after God's own heart should have her mind stayed on Christ and seeking to become a mature Christian before she ever thinks about marriage - and "thinking about boys" has nothing to do with marriage, and can lead young women to behaving in a way that is certainly not being a light in the darkness.  So don't let you friends chose you, you must carefully chose who you spend time with, so that you can keep your focus on serving Christ in the lives of your friends, and not be pulled down by spending too much time with girls that are worldly minded.  But that doesn't mean that you can't have a friend or two whom have purposed to be a friend in order to inspire them to live for Christ, but be very careful that you are strong in the Lord and going in with God's leading.  


Intimate Friendships are those that last.  These are often referred to a bosom friends. I take that as meaning that you are so knit together that it would tear your heart to lose this friendship.  These friendships take time and purpose to develop, especially for young people who are homeschooled, as the time and opportunity to friendships outside your family can be very limited.  But, speaking of family, have you ever considered that the best resource for a lifetime, intimate friendship is your family?  Your siblings have been raised the way you have, and they are available almost 24/7!  Don't discredit your siblings when you think about intimate friendship.  Your sisters and brothers will always be your sisters and brothers, but the close friends of you childhood may no longer be in your life when you are a young lady, and the close friends of your youth may no longer be bosom friends when you are an adult!  The life we lead, the stages we go through, can change so much and you will always find that your closest friends are those with whom you share the most in common in your beliefs, you current stage of life and your style of living.  That doesn't mean that you can only have close friends who are very similar to you, but it is much easier to share your happiness, difficulties and dreams with those who are in similar situations as you are.  


Intimate friendships are so important in life.  As Ecclesiastes pointed out,  having a friend by your side (or being beside your friend) through tough times give us the strength to carry on, and God uses these friendships in our lives to meet our needs.  We must turn to our Heavenly Father first, but He has put your close friends in your life for a purpose, for both you and your friend!  These friendships must be cultivated, and they should be with like-minded Christian girls and women.  They don't have to be your age (some of my closest friends are nearly half my age), but they should be traveling the same spiritual road as you, so that you can both give and get encouragement to stay true to Jesus.  But you might ask, how can I cultivate this kind of friendship?  It takes purpose - get to know them, ask them questions about what they like, find out what their hobbies are, share with them your spiritual journey.  Being a friend takes putting the other person first.  Pray for them, ask them how you can pray for them.  When you are planning something, include them in the plans.  Try to invite them to events that you are attending.  Invite them to your home.  Make gifts for them, or send them little notes saying that you are praying for them.  Find out when their birthday is and do something special for them.  Don't look to your friends for what you can get from them, look to see how you can invest in that person's life to encourage them in all they do.  Be their cheerleader!  Rejoice when they are rejoicing, comfort them when they are hurting, share life with them and take time to call them just to talk!  


Spiritual Friendships are those special friendships where you have agreed with that person to share your spiritual journey intimately with them, and they with you.  This type of friendship is difficult to develop, and sometimes it's hard to find the right friend to fill this spot in your life.  This might not even be something that lasts a lifetime, but it can.  Spiritual friendships are purposeful - they are a commitment between two close friends to pray for each other, share struggles and create goals for spiritual growth and ministering to our families.  This requires a deep trust.  Are you trustworthy?  Are you good at keeping a secret?  Can your friend trust you because they know that when they share something personal with you, you keep it between the two of you and the Lord?  You need to be trustworthy in order to develop and friendship like this, so if this is an area you need to work on, take it to the Lord and ask Him to help you develop this character trait.  


I have a question for you - when you tell someone you will pray for them, do you?  Do you keep a prayer list so that you can remember to pray for those you have committed to praying for?  If not, start today.  If you are already doing this, then I suggest you take it one step further and begin to journal your prayers.  These two steps are great ways to prepare to have an intimate spiritual friendship when the Lord brings it into your life.  Pray for this kind of friendship, and that the Lord would lead you to the right person.


I want to encourage you to work at your friendships.  Take time and energy to invest in the lives of those friends who the Lord has brought into you life, who share your goals and spiritual walk.  Look for ways you can BE a friend to others, how you can minister to your friends and acquaintances.  Never "read between the lines" with friends.  Take them at their word.  Be ready to forgive, and slow to take offence.   Be careful to choose wisely those you spend your time with.  Pray for godly friendships, and that the Lord will teach you to be a godly friend.  Defend your friends when anyone says something against them, and never say anything about your friends unless it is positive and encouraging.  And invest in the friendships God has placed in your home - your brothers and sisters.  You'll never regret it.


Lastly, I want to point out that the friendships that you are involved in and developing in your youth are an excellent tool to equipping you to be a loving wife.  The best marriages are based on an intimate friendship!  I am not recommending that you foster intimate friendship with boys or men outside your family, not at all.  But when God brings that special someone into your life, the experiences you have had with your friends and siblings, as well as the developing of the skills of being a true friend will have prepared you to be your husband's best friend, confidant, help-meet and cheerleader!

All My Love,

Mom

Preparing for Parenthood

My Daughters,


You are a blessing.  Your sisters and brothers are blessings.  Your future children will be blessings.  God gave you as a blessing.  I looked up the definition of the word blessing and it said "Gift from God".


Psalm 128: 2 - 4 says "Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine in the very heart of your house, your children like olive plants all around your table.  Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord." and Psalm 127: 3 says "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward."


You are a gift from God to your parents and family, a reward even.  And a gift or reward is something we all like to receive, right?  So everyone should want to receive children from God, right?  All mothers should love their children, right?  All children should love their siblings, right?


The answer to those questions is yes, they should, but that is not always the case.  In Titus 2 we learned that women need to be taught by the older women how to love their husbands, but that isn't all - it also says  "that they (older women) are to admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children," So young women need to learn how to love their children as well, it does not come naturally.  Oh yes, when a woman carries a baby for 9 months and then finally holds in her arms that precious baby, a natural biological love is there....but will that love carry her through the terrible twos, will it enable her to discipline her child in love when it is easier to give in to their tantrums, will it remain strong through the difficult years?  Maybe. I have heard otherwise many times...I have overheard mothers say "I can't wait for them to go back to school so I can have my life back", or "I'm taking 3 months maternity leave and then I'm going back to work," or "I can't wait for my kids to graduate from high school so I can do what I want to do" and I've even heard mothers speak to their children in public saying things like "you are such a brat" and "why do you always embarrass me?"  And the more obvious things like child abuse, abortion, and other great sins against children.  Women do need to be taught how to truly love their children.


So why do so many women/families fail to love their children?  Many families are not believers in the God of the Bible so they do not see children as a blessing from God.  Many families who go to church today do not believe that the Bible is relevant for today, so the do not see babies/children as blessings either.  And some, while knowing the children are a blessing, fail to act as though their children or siblings are blessings from God in the normal living from day to day.  I want to share my heart with you about how to love children...


As I have shown in the passages above, God tells us that children are a blessing, a reward, and a heritage.  Taking that to heart is the first step in loving children.  Having a mind and heart that sees that children as a creation of God is a great starting point.  They are not a chance happening, or even worse an "accident" as many parents will call their children who were a surprise to them.  Knowing that your siblings and your children were given as gifts from God will help you to have a deep love for them.  Understanding that children are not accidents or inconveniences will cause you to be prepared to take parenting seriously and to even look forward to them!


So the first step in learning to love your children is to see them as what they are - blessings straight from the hand of God.  The second step is to understand that our children are not ours, they are God's, and they are only entrusted to us for a time.  As parents you are admonished by God to train them and discipline them and teach them.  Deuteronomy 6: 4 - 7 tells us what the most important thing parents should do for their children:  "Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is One!  You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.  And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart.  You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up." The most important job parents have is first to love God, and secondly to teach His word to them in all they do.  And this requires that you are with them as you walk, sit, eat, go to bed, rise in the morning!  And that you take those times to share with them who God is and how much He loves them and what He wants them to do.


Did you notice the first part of that passage?  The first command?  "You shall love the Lord your God..."  The best preparation for parenthood is loving God with all that you are, reading His word and learning it by heart so that in turn you will be able to apply it in the everyday things in life.  When you love God, and know His word, that will prepare your heart to love you children when God brings them into your life.


But there's more that you can do to prepare to love your children!  You can learn to love your siblings, especially those younger than you!  Seeing your siblings as blessings will cause you to see them in a different light.  God has placed each of your siblings in your life for a purpose, and every time you are around them you have the opportunity to learn to love them in action and in word, even when they seem unlovable or they are driving you crazy.  Siblings tend to be either your best friend or your worse nightmare (and sometimes the same person can be both at different times!)....but in both cases they are in your life to teach you to love unconditionally!  To help them when they need help, to teach them when they don't understand, to comfort them when they are hurting and to be their champion and encourage  them when they are down and out.  Children are not always lovable, but God doesn't say to love people when they are lovable, but to love without reservation and unconditionally, as He has loved you.


Being a parent is a huge responsibility.  How you parent your children can and will greatly effect how they will parent their children and how they relate to other people and also how they view God.  God has placed each child in the home and given the parents the responsibility to teach and admonish them and show them the love of God.  In all this world, only the souls of people are eternal.  All of this world will pass away someday, but our souls are eternal.  So put the people in your life first before your possessions, hobbies and sports.  Invest in the things that have eternal value.  Invest yourself in your family.  Time is a lot like money - you are given only so much and you choose how you "spend" it.  You can spend it on things that please you and make you happy, or you can spend it on developing deep and lasting relationships with your family and those who God has brought into your life.  You make choices everyday on how you "invest" your time and how you "spend" you time...so be wise in the choices you make and use this time to prepare to be a loving mother to the children God will bless you with!


All My Love,


Mom

Learning to Love

My Daughters,


We all love fairy tales...a young innocent girl pines away in her castle for her true love, Prince Charming, to rescue her from her dull life.  Prince Charming arrives on his trusty steed and whisks the young girl off her feet, they have their "true love's first kiss" and they ride off into the sunset, right?  In some of the fairy tales, they get married, in some you assume they do.  But it's usually the basic boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happily ever after.  And you have probably thought about your prince charming and played pretend about getting married and living happily ever after, but when you look around at the lives of people you know, those who live happily ever after without a care in the world are few and far between (and possibly extinct, right?).


The love portrayed in fairy tales is just that, a fairy tale.  It doesn't exist, and it shouldn't exist, in our real world.  Occasionally you will hear of couple who "fell in love at first sight", but that is a fallacy...they may form a desire at first sight, but there is no possible way to develop a love that lasts a lifetime based on first impressions.  There might be something that makes you think "he may be the one", but it is definitely not love.  You may even be very impressed by someone's appearance or demeanor to the point of wanting to know that person more, but that is not love either.  Many people confuse desire for love.  Looking at another person and liking what you see, is not love, it is desire.  Just like you might see a candy that looks delicious, and it's appearance makes you desire to taste it...but until you bite into it you have no idea what's inside.


One time I was travelling and stopped by a little coffee shop and purchased some delicious looking chocolates.  They were expensive, but they looked so scrumptious that I just could not resist...they were worth the price, at least I believed they were worth the effort to find out.  I was in a hurry, so I took them with me to the car to eat while I was on the ferry.  Once I was settled and parked on the ferry, I opened the package and took out one of the chocolates...man it looked good!  I took a little nibble and it was as delicious as it looked - smooth creamy chocolate that melts in you mouth as smooth as silk...so I took a bite that went all the way to the middle...YUCK!  The middle tasted like mold!  How disgusting!  I have never tasted anything so vile when expecting something so delicious!


People can be like that chocolate.  You can only see what's on the outside.  Even when you spend lots of time with other people!  Unless you live with that person you probably won't see the real deal.  Most people put their best face forward, especially when they are not at home.  You might think you know someone, but until you spend a lot of time with them, and especially spend time with them in their home and with their family, you probably know only what they want you to know about them!  They may look like wonderful chocolate, but you have no idea if they are harboring something disgusting inside.


So how in the world can you ever find a true Prince Charming?  You don't.  Wait on the Lord, seek His face and find your all in Him.  Look to Him to fill all your needs and learn to love others the way Christ loves us.  In God's perfect timing, He will bring "The One" He has chosen for you into your life. But that is for another letter - there's so much more to say about that.


This letter is about love.  The kind of love that takes work.  The kind of love that lasts a lifetime.  The kinds of love that will continue even after you have found something unlovable in the object of your love.  The love I want to share with you today is not a feeling (but it can result in strong feelings), but a choice.  It's a commitment to love another person regardless of what they can do for you.  This is called Agape love, and it  is a love that is unconditional.  This is the kind of love that Jesus has for us.  He loved us while we were yet sinners and died for us even before we loved Him.


This kind of love is what it takes to make a marriage work.  A total, 100% commitment to loving your spouse no matter what they have done to earn your love, or what they have done to earn your wrath.  But how can you have this love?  How can you learn to love in this way?


God is the only one who can enable you to love in this manner.  He has placed you in your family for a purpose - to learn to love unconditionally.  Family is forever...friends may come and friends may go, but your mother and father will always be your mother and father, and your sisters and brothers will always be your sisters and brothers.  Living with your family, day in and day out, will give you ample opportunities to choose to love others even when they are unlovable.  I know this is true in our family!


What does this kind of love look like in a family?  This is the kind of  love that will do things for others.  This kind of love will mean going beyond what is required of you.  If you see that your sister or brother has left his shoes out on the lawn and it is beginning to rain, you will go out there and grab the shoes and put them away for your sibling...and not even tell them about it.  This kind of love will cause you to think "I should make some popcorn today because my sister loves popcorn and that would make her happy".  Agape love puts the other person first, regardless of their worthiness to receive this love.  Remember, God loved us while we were most unlovable - before we accepted His gift of salvation, while we were still living a life of selfishness and breaking His laws and hating Him.  Agape love is choosing to love someone and committing yourself to loving that person no matter what.


But, you may ask, what does Agape love have to do with marriage - aren't married couples already "in love"?  Isn't the love already mutual?  It might be, but in any marriage there will come a time when your spouse will not meet your expectations, or he might even do something really terrible.  We are all sinners, saved by God's grace.  We don't stop sinning the moment we become a child of God.  But we have forgiveness through Christ's blood.  But sometimes our sins, and the sins of others, can hurt those we love.  Sometimes we don't even realize that we have hurt those we love.  And many times, the sins of those we love hurt us.  But that does not give us a right to withhold our love for them.  If you have made a commitment to love your family with an Agape love, then you will continue to love them even when they seem unlovable.


Use this time in your life to practice unconditional love to the members of our family.  Treat them as you would your best friend - pray for them, forgive without being asked, think of things that you can do that will make them enjoy the day, do things for them that will make their burdens light,  and plan your activities to include them.  Even when you don't feel like it.  Remember, just because you feel something, it doesn't mean it's true! When you don't feel like showing Agape love, remind yourself of all that God, through Christ, has done for you and remind yourself that you have committed to loving that person unconditionally and chose to do something special for that person today.


I know this works. I have experienced this in my life.  A very wise counselor told me that in order to release the resentment I had built up towards someone in my life, I had to chose to love that person.  I had to pray for that person.  I didn't live with this person, so for the most part, I could only pray.  But every time I thought of that person or began to recount in my mind all that that person had done to hurt me, I stopped myself and said a prayer that God would bless them and give them a wonderful day and that that person would feel the love of God.  It took a long time, but after a few months I began to realize that I was no longer resentful towards that person.  I was actually feeling positive towards that person and began to see them in a new light.  Since that time I can say that I have no more resentment (even when that person does something that offends me) and that I have a genuine love for that person.


Your emotions can and will follow your mind.  Choose to love those in your family and learn to pour out love on them and this will prepare you for loving your husband.  Loving your husband is not something that will come easily at all times...yes, there will be times when your husband does things that create a strong feeling of love, but there will be many other times when your husband will not create these feelings and that is when your commitment to love him "in sickness and in health, in rich or in poor" will take all that is in you and then some...but God is able and with His help you will be able to say with Paul "I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength."  Love God, ask for His wisdom and strength, and love your family (and in the future, your husband) at all times and all circumstances.


All My Love,


Mom

Great Expectations

My Daughters,


As a follow up to my last letter, I wanted to touch on the subject of expectations.  When you were a little girl you expected your mom to fix your meals, wash your clothes. In general you expected your parents to take care of you and meet all your needs.  This is right and good.  As you begin to grow up you begin to do more and more of those things on your own, and expect less and less of your needs to be met by your parents.  But, on occasion, your mother might do something for you that you are in the habit of doing for yourself, like tidying your room for you or making your bed for example.   When this happens you are pleasantly surprised right?  You want to thank her and let her know how nice that was.


Now, what if your mother has usually made the bed for you still, even beyond when you could do it yourself, but for some reason she kept doing that for you each morning.  When you see your bed made, you hardly take notice, and you probably would not think to thank her for doing that for you.  And if one day she is unable to make your bed due to illness or forgetfulness, you might even be irritated and wonder what she was thinking to inconvenience you so.


I know this example is a little silly, but I wanted to make a point about expectations.  When we expect something and that expectation gets met, it gets little notice and it is more like just checking it off of a list of some sort.  And then, when our expectations are not met, it can lead to frustration, irritation, bitterness and even to a damaged relationships!


In a marriage, expectations can be deadly.  As little girls and young women we often dream of the kind of man we hope to marry.  We think about all the wonderful things he will do for us and how wonderful he will make us feel.  We dream of the home he will provide for us, the children he will help you raise and so many other things.  But you need to be careful as you build your image of your future husband.  Be very careful.  God has the perfect future spouse for you...he will be perfect for you, but he will not be perfect.  Your spouse will challenge you in many ways as God uses him to mold you into His image.  But your expectations can get in the way of that process.


I know all about this, because I did this.  I had high expectations of marriage and what a husband should and should not be.  For starters, I was looking for a tall, dark and handsome young man who would romantically sweep me off my feet, surrounding me with giddy feelings and stars in my eyes.  But God, in His infinite wisdom instead brought to me a sincere friend who loved me for who I was, flaws and all.    He wasn't tall or dark, but he was handsome...but 30% is not a passing grade in a classroom, right?  I overlooked God's best for me and sought elsewhere for my perfect husband...I almost married the wrong man - he was tall and dark , but not exceptionally handsome (60% is a passing grace, right?).  I had stars in my eyes and he was romantic, but those stars blinded me to fatal flaws in his character.  I am so thankful that God stepped into my life and removed those stars and showed me the path I was walking down before it was too late....a path that would most likely lead to a difficult marriage, abuse and falling away from my walk with Him.


The problem with my expectations was that I was using the world's standards as my own, and looking at outward appearances.  We have to be very careful that our expectations line up with God's best for us.  


My mindset of expectations didn't end there though.  Even though I followed God's direction and soon realized the more valuable character qualities in your father,  as well as seeing the blessing of having a dynamic friendship as the solid foundation on which to build a marriage, I still brought expectations into our marriage relationship that caused us many trying times.


For example, in my mind, husbands were expected to take out the trash for example.  I have no idea where I got this idea, but it was probably all those TV sitcoms I watched growing up!  So, by expecting my husband to take out the trash, I would not take notice of when it did get taken out.  But if it wasn't taken out when it needed to go, I would fume and fuss, get irritated, eventually take it out myself grumbling the whole way...and I would let him know that he had let me down, and in not so subtle ways.  There were many such expectations that I had, so there were many times that I would be irritated with him.


Now, let's put on the other shoe, so to speak.  Let's say that your future husband expects you to get up every morning and fix his breakfast and sack lunch for him...his mother always did this for his dad, so he expects it of you.  Every morning you do this for him and he eats the breakfast and grabs the lunch, wishes you a good day and heads out the door...after a few months you begin to feel neglected and un-appreciated as he never thanks you for your dedicated service to him.  And then when you are not feeling well and sleep in, your husband bangs around in the kitchen, grumbling about having to make his own breakfast and lunch...and maybe even making a snide comment in the evening about whether or not your would laze around in bed again tomorrow or not.  Does this make you want to get up with him the next day when he never says thank you and makes life miserable for you when you don't do it?  You can't win, right?


But now let's say you do not expect your husband to take out the trash.  When it's full, you take it out.  And then one day you are in the back yard and you look up to see your husband taking out the trash - WOW!  You are so thankful that he thought to do that for you!  You make a point of thanking him!  He get's husband brownie points for sure!  Or let's say that your husband never expects you to get up with him in the morning, and then one day you do - he is so thankful that you are there to share conversation (and possibly Bible time) with him, and he will exclaim over the wonderful breakfast...he might even brag to his co-workers about the exceptionally good lunch you prepared for him.  Would that response make you want to do it again for him?  Of course it would.


So remember, when you expect something...you can and will be disappointed.  But when you don't expect something you just might be pleasantly surprised!


All my love,


Mom

Honoring Your Father, Loving Your Husband

My Daughters,


In Titus 2 Paul instructs the "older women" to "encourage the young women to love their husbands..." In some translation it reads "teach".  But, you may ask, if a woman falls in love with a man and they marry, why would they need to be taught how to love their husband if she is already in love with him?  That is a very good question!  The answer is that "falling in love" is not what the Bible talks about when it comes to marriage.  If you can fall IN love, then you can (and will) fall OUT OF love!  The love spoken of in the Bible is a love that is a commitment to  the object of the love.  It is very similar to the friendship kind of love - putting the object of your love before yourself, desiring to bless them and please them.  But before I get into that subject (in a later letter), I'd like to talk to the young women who are not married yet.  At this time, none of my daughters in my home are married, but that doesn't mean that this command to teach them to love their husbands can be ignored by me or them!


When you are a daughter at home, you can practice loving your husband!  Until you are married, you are under the protection, provision and instruction of your father.  God calls you to honor your father, and no where in scriptures does it say you outgrow this command!  Honoring your father can be excellent preparation for being a help-meet to your husband someday...at least the kind of loving support that I am talking about.


So, how does "honoring your father" look?  How can that prepare you to love your husbands?  It can in many ways.  The kind of love and honor I am talking about is that of a commitment to improve their life, to support them in their work and ministry, and to make them know they are loved.


The most important thing you can do to honor and love your father is to pray for him!  He has a lot of responsibility on his shoulders and faces our evil world everyday to supply our needs!  Pray for his protection, wisdom, strength against temptation, spiritual growth, good health.  Praying for someone will always increase your love for that person.  You can also ask him if there's anything you can specifically pray for - knowing that you are praying for your father will mean so much to him!  And, of course, praying for your father will establish a habit that will convert over nicely to praying for your husband when you are married.  Speaking of praying for your husband...have you ever prayed for your future husband?  God knows him intimately and even now you can be praying that God would bless him and teach him, to protect him from evil, and mold him to be the godly husband you hope to have!


The kind of honor and love I am talking about also takes getting to know your father - what he likes, what displeases him, what his purpose in life is, what his ministry is...and maybe he doesn't even know these things himself, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't have them!  You need to study your father, get to know him, spend time with him listening to him, asking questions to draw him out.  What does he like, what are his favorite foods, what is his favorite thing to do, what does he like to read, what are his hopes and dreams?  Find out more about your dad than anybody, besides your mom, knows about him!  Then take what you have learned and try to please him.  Make meals/snacks that he likes.  Use the Golden Rule - "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" - do things for your father that you know would please you!   Offer to help him out with his projects (it's OK to get dirty/greasy).  Ask him to teach you the things he knows, especially things that will help you care for your family someday - like how to fix plumbing, a lawn mower, change the oil in a car and more!  If your father has a hobby, try it out.  Even if it's a "guy thing" - some male hobbies are quite fun!  Working side by side with your father will be so special.  Men are not prone to sharing their heart with others...but when you spend time with your father doing something he enjoys, it will give opportunity for special talks as well!


Thinking about your father during the day, and planning to do things for him once he gets home from work, will create a deeper love for your father.  Many young girls look at their father from a viewpoint of what their fathers do for them - protection, provision, fix their things, and the maker of the rules in her life.  But they can be so much more!  When you invest yourself in someone else, you will deepen your relationship with that person in ways that will last a lifetime.  I wish I had done this, but it's too late as my father passed away a few years ago.  So let me encourage you to do this for your father, no matter how old you are, or if your relationship with your father has taken a few hits through the years.  Commit to loving your father in tangible ways, day in and day out, giving him the respect and honor that God commands and going that much farther and becoming his loving daughter.


But what about submitting to and obeying your father?  Let's assume that in general you obey your father and do as he asks...but is that all you should do?  When you obey your father, you are practicing how to honor your husband.  When you act in accordance with your father's wishes even when he is not present, you are practicing to love your husband and you are pleasing God, your heavenly father!  When you are married, your husband will have ideas about how a home should be run, what activities he likes to have his wife involved in and how his wife interacts with others in her world.  But he will not be with his wife 24 hours a day.  Your father is not with you 24 hours a day, but that does not mean that if he is not there, that you can act anyway you please...you still need to live according to his preferences and rules at all times.  By committing to living your life according to your father's (and your heavenly Father's) will, you are learning to curb your sinful nature and gain self control.  This is not easy!  This is impossible in our own strength as our nature as women is to put ourselves and our desires first and take any opportunity to fulfill those desires when no one is looking!  But, much like your Father in heaven, he will find out.  What you do when you are not in his presence, will usually get back to him somehow...and even if it doesn't, disobedience always damages relationships.  When you have gone against your father wishes, the next time you are with your father your will hold back that part of your life from him and your will be dishonest with him.


What about when you are making decisions?  Are you wise in your own eyes, or do you realize that your father is a source of wisdom?  Granted, not all fathers are filled with Godly wisdom, but if your father is a believer then this is most likely true, and if he is not a believer, he has lived longer than you and understands the world around you much better!  Talk to your dad when you are needing to make decisions and listen to him.  You might not like what he suggests, but dad's have been around and they know things you do not know.  Unless what your father tells you is contrary to God's word, you should put great importance to what he says.  If you are unsure about anything - activities to participate in, what subjects to study, where to volunteer your time, how to help your mother, how to spend your money, what clothes are acceptable to wear...ask your father and listen to him.  So many times women and girls will ask the man in their life for his opinion, but when that opinion does not line up with the girl's/women's opinion, the women/girls will react in defensiveness and reject that opinion.  We, as women, like to have our own way (it started with Eve).  When the men in our lives do not agree with us we are tempted (and usually give in to this temptation) to rationalize our way out of listening to and honoring the men in our lives.  So I encourage you to ask for his opinion/help and take it...don't discuss it, just take it to heart and take some time to think about it, and see why he would recommend/suggest what he did!  You can ask him to elaborate on his opinion and why he feels that way...but sometimes he might not know exactly why or may not think it prudent to explain it in detail to you...so you may just have to take his word for it!  Pray about it and ask God to show you what to do...but don't reject anything your father suggests just because it doesn't line up with your wants and desires.


What about his ministry?  Does that seem strange to you?  Event though your father is not a pastor or a missionary, every Christian father has a ministry whether or not he realizes it!  In Deuteronomy 6, God's word says to father (and mothers), "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.  And these words which I commend you today shall be in your heart.  You shall teach them diligently to your children..."  His ministry in your home is to teach your family about God.  Think about what it takes to have family devotions in your home and work to make it as easy as possible for your father to do this.  In our home, in order for us to have a time as a family to study God's word with my husband, we have to plan and execute having dinner on time,  and have the books needed within arms reach, and all the children willing to remain at the table when they are finished eating...we also need to be very careful not to make too many evening commitments, as when we have events in the evening it never fails that we run from the dinner table not even thinking about taking the time to read together!  So think through and plan out what it takes to get your home set up to make having family Bible time possible and commit to executing that plan every day!  Make a list...dinner ingredients in the house (thawed if need be), dishes clean, table set, dinner started on time...what ever it takes!




When you give your father the honor and respect I just described, it will uplift him and encourage him.  It will cause him to take his role as your father more seriously!  So many men (and women) today have succumbed to our world's flawed portrayal of a father and husband..they are the bread winner and their job in life is to keep the women in their lives happy, 'cuz "if momma ain't happy, aint nobody happy".  But that is so wrong!  We as women are called by God to support, encourage, help and love the men in our lives and make them happy!

What if your father is not a believer, does that change my advice to you?  Not really.  Not unless he commands you to do something contrary to God's word.  Loving and honoring your father as I have shown you today can be a powerful tool that God can use in your father's life to draw him to the things of God...this kind of daughter is not heard of in the world (and even in most Christian circles) today.  He will take notice.  And in this case, praying for your father is even more vitally important!


So, prepare to be a godly help-meet to your husband by being a godly, helpful daughter to your father...you'll never regret it.


All My Love,


Mom

Dealing with Daily Frustrations and Trials

My Daughters,


If you are anything like me, you deal with little irritations almost constantly, frustrations seem to interrupt even the best of days, and some days everything is irritating and frustrating.  And then there are trials...these are not trivial, are not easily "fixed" and may last for days/months/years.  How can we deal with these in a godly manner?  How can we go on when everything seems to be going against us?  How can we go on when our dreams seem to be slipping away and nothing we do seems to brings us any close to fulfilling our lifelong dreams and ambitions?


This is a really tough subject, and one that I fail at so often.  But I have gone through many trials, some great, some small, and on almost a daily basis I am faced with irritations and frustrations and I am not so good at handling these properly...so I am sharing with you what I know to be true, but am still trying to apply it in my life and working to develop good habits in this area.


Before I get into ways to deal with frustrations and trials, we need to talk about who God is, and how He works in our lives.  I believe God is sovereign...but what does sovereign mean?  I found this definition on Theopedia.com -  "all things are under God's rule and control, and that nothing happens without His direction or permission. God works not just some things but all things according to the counsel of His own will (see Eph. 1:11). His purposes are all-inclusive and never thwarted (see Isa. 46:11); nothing takes Him by surprise. The sovereignty of God is not merely that God has the power and right to govern all things, but that He does so, always and without exception. In other words, God is not merely sovereign de jure (in principle), but sovereignde facto (in practice)."  Here are some great Bible passages that talk about the sovereignty of God that you should read - Lamentations 3:32-33, Romans 11:23, Matthew 10:29-31, 2 Timothy 1:12, Proverbs 19:21, James 4: 14 - 15.


Our loving heavenly Father is active in our lives, carefully choosing what will and will not happen.  He uses all things to grow us, draw us to Him and deepen our relationship with Him...and how we react to trials and frustrations will directly correlate to how well we grow and whether or not our difficulties strengthen our walk with the Lord, or if we put a wall of sin up that hinders us from growing in grace.


Our natural, human response to problems is to ask the questions "Why Me?"  Our knee jerk reaction is that "life isn't fair, I don't deserve this" and we recoil in pain and we act like a victim.  But is that a godly response?  Job was going about his business one day when suddenly two servants ran to him and said that all his livestock had been stolen and their caretaker had been slain, and then another servant told him that all his flocks and servants had been killed by fire from heaven, and lastly another servant came and told him that all his 10 children and their families had been crushed to death in the oldest son's home that collapsed from a great wind.  Wow, can you imagine that?  Did Job cry out "Why me?  This isn't fair! I don;t deserve this?"  No, these are the words that he spoke in this moment of greatest suffering: "Naked I came from my mother’s womb, And naked shall I return there. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.”  Now that is a godly response to trials.  And the Bible also tells us that "In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong".  


I have a secret weapon for you to use when things seem to go wrong - when you heart cries out "why me?"  make that questions "Why is God bringing this into my life, what is His purpose and what is He trying to teach me?"  Go to Him and ask Him to lead and guide your thoughts, actions and words that you may grow and learn and be molded into the likeness of His son, Jesus Christ, right from the start of the trial that has come into your life.  Look for His hand in everything, go straight to Him - my tendency when a trial hits is to call my mom, my friends...and I seek God last...but I have that all backwards!  I must run to God first.


Let me tell you about how a potter makes a clay pot.  The potter molds the clay into the shape that he desires, but it is soft and pliable and not suitable for any purpose yet, it needs to be cured in a hot fire.  So he takes the pot and places it in the oven to cure.  When he thinks that it might be cured, he takes it our of the fire and flicks the edge of the pot to test if it is finished - if it makes ringing sound it is cured, and can be cooled and used.  If it is not cured, the sound will be more of a "thump".  That means it has not finished curing and needs to go back into that same fire again in order to finish the curing process.  We are like that clay pot and God is the potter.  When we find ourselves facing the same type of trial over and over again ("why do I keep having to deal with financial difficulties, when will I ever have more than just enough money?"), that is a big clue that God is working in your life to teach you something and you are not learning that lesson!


When we face a trial on our own strength and knowledge, we never learn anything from it and usually fall flat...we might muddle our way through, but we are miserable and disheartened.  We may even end up being angry at God or walk away from Him entirely, holding bitterness and resentment in our hearts.  But when we run to God when the trial comes and plead with Him for wisdom and strength, He will carry you through  - teaching, loving and molding you in the process.  And remind yourself what you know to be true about God's love for you and His sovereignty in your life.  In Jeremiah 29:11 He says "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  He loves you more than you will ever know.  And He has something very special for you, something you can only experience when you have turned to Him in the midst of a trial, and laid aside your worry in favor of trusting God and spending time in prayer with Him - Paul tells you "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6 - 7).


Did you catch that?  "With Thanksgiving"?  Thankful for trials?  You've got to be kidding, right?  No, he's not kidding.  James, the brother of Jesus also talks about being joyful in trials - "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."  So thanking God for a trial, and being joyful that you are experiencing a trial is the godly response....but that seems impossible, doesn't it.  Well, it's all in your perspective.  When you have gone through a trial and you have seen God work in and through it, drawing you closer to Him and showing you His love in the midst of the pain, you have that experience to draw upon in the future.  When you are facing a difficult trial, take time to remember how God has worked in your life (or in others) through trials, and remind yourself that God is at work in your life.  He is intimately working in you to create something beautiful.  Thank Him for loving you enough to not let you remain as you are, be joyful knowing you are not going through this alone and that God is  and is going to do something big in your life through this.


Lastly, in Romans 8:28, Paul tells us that " in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."  Did you catch that?  There's a condition in that promise.  This promise is for those who LOVE HIM.  Do you love Him?  Remember what I shared in my last letter about loving God?  Loving God is a daily decision to love Him, in the good times and bad times.  God isn't just a first aid station or a band aide.  You can't just live your life however you want, and then expect God to pick up he pieces when things fall apart. God wants you to love Him everyday and in all situations, so that when He does bring a trial into your life, you are coming into it with a full pool - full of the love of God in your heart and  a strong relationship to Him.  So be prepared, day in and day out, by steadfastly seeking the Lord and growing in your knowledge of Him and His truth, then the daily battles and the difficult trials will be tackled with God by your side as your best friend and confidant.


What about the day to day?  When it's little things and you find yourself getting all worked up by some frustration, is that any different?  Not really.  I believe God works in our lives in everything.  If you pray for patience, be prepared for trials, tribulations and irritations galore!  The only way we learn patience is by dealing with those things!   So when you feel yourself getting angry and frustrated, turn to God.  Say a quick prayer for wisdom and strength.  Take a minute to see what is really going on.  Take a deep breath, and  try to calm yourself.  God tells us that one of the fruits of the spirit is self control.  We don't have that naturally, but He gives that to us.  We need to seek Him in times of frustration.


What about hormone induced mood swings?  I know all about those!  These can be a regular part of your life, but they can be especially strong during phases of a woman's life - especially at the beginning and ending of our child bearing years, during pregnancy and after having baby.  First let me say that hormone induced emotions are not an excuse to sin.  Run to God during these times, and if necessary go to a quiet room until the mood swing passes.  Be sure you are taking good care of yourself - eating good foods, taking healthy supplements (vitamin B complex is vital), getting your rest, and look into taking herbal remedies ("Remifemin", a low does black cohosh remedy has helped me tremendously) to help balance your hormones.  And please get help if you find yourself spiraling down into deep depression no matter what you do, as sometimes our bodies can get so out of balance that we need medical help to remedy the situation, but this should not be your first defense - God is your first defense.


When you are living your life with God first, then you will be able to say with King David "I lift up my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip – he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you – the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm – he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." (Psalm 121:1-8)

All my Love,


Mom

Striving to Become a Woman After God's Own Heart

My Daughters,


The Westminster's Shorter Catechism begins with this question and answer:  What is the chief end of man?  To glorify God and enjoy Him forever.  As believers, our number one priority in this life is our relationship to God.  Our lives should bring glory to Him.


Imagine a bride-to-be...planning her wedding and preparing to be her fiance's bride.  The first thing she thinks about upon waking is her betrothed.  As she gets dressed she wonders if the outfit she is selecting will please him when she sees him later in the day.  As she eats, she wonders what he's eating for breakfast.  As she styles her hair she remembers that he said that he likes it when she wears her hair up, so she styles it that way.  As she puts on her makeup she remembers that he really liked it when she used the lavender eye liner.  So, of course, she uses the lavender eye liners.  And then there's the earrings he gave her, she has to wear them again today since she's going to be seeing him...and she can't wait!  Oh how she wishes she could spend time with him first thing in the morning instead of having to wait all the way until his lunch break at work!


Did you know that Paul tells us in the Bible that the relationship of believers to Christ is like that of a bride to a bridegroom?  We, the body of believers, are waiting for Christ to return and take us to His home.  He is our bridegroom.  Are you preparing for Him each day?  Are you growing more in your love for Him each day?  Do you think about what pleases Christ when you make decisions about how you use your time, how you dress, how you eat, what you talk about?  We, as believers saved by His paying the price for us through His death, should live that way!


But how can we do this?  What does it look like in the average day?

this artwork is by an artist who hides the word "Jesus" somewhere in the painting
- check out her other works, they are amazing!

 In the book "A Woman after God's Own Heart" Elizabeth George talks about the Seven Sacred Pools in Hawaii.  There are several pools with waterfalls in between each pool, the water dropping into one pool and then leaves that pool and fills the next pool lower down.  Our lives are like that waterfall.  Our first pool needs to be filled before we can fill the next one, and so forth.  Our first pool is our relationship with God!  We need to be filled with love for Him and from Him first and foremost!  In order to fill that pool, we have to put God first in our life and that takes work.  It takes dedication and determination.


I have tried to have a time with God every day since I became serious about seeking God's will for my life way back in high school.  I have not always succeeded, and there have been long spells when I hardly ever had a regular time to meet with my Lord, read His word and talk with Him.  Until I read Elizabeth George's book I had not really committed myself to doing it daily.  I did it when it worked out, and at times I'd be consistent for a few weeks or months, but then the pressures of life would squeeze out that time - "I don't have time today to meet with God, He must understand because He knows how long my "to do" list and how little sleep I've been getting".   But this time is critical!


When I was in school I would try to do it before going to sleep at night - so many times I'd awake during the night and find my Bible lying on the bed next to me and I would have no recollection of what I read, and obviously I did not remain awake long enough to talk with God after He talked to me (through His word).  So I have always tried to do it in the morning.  But in order to do this you have to wake yourself up early enough to take the time, especially if you have to be somewhere at a certain time that day, or to be awake before your children wake up and the demands of the day rush up to you.  Elizabeth George says to "beat the kids up" - no, do not beat your children, but beat them to waking!  Get up before they do!  Yes, there are nights where a young mother might get very little sleep, and for her health she needs to sleep as late as the children do, but she still needs to find time to start her day with God.  Maybe set the children up with their breakfast and sit at the table and read to the children!  Or have your Bible lying where you sit to nurse your baby and the first time you nurse your Baby, read the Bible and pray.  Make it work for you.


A relationship takes time, it takes work, it takes commitment.  If you have a friend and you never talk with them, or listen to them, how good if your friendship?


 Reading the Bible is listening to God - hearing what He says about how to live your life.  You can read a portion of scripture, or use a "Read Through The Bible in a Year" Bible to guide your reading, or use a Bible study book to help you apply the Bible to your life.   Memorizing scripture is a great way to internalize God's truths and it will help you apply it in your life.  When you find a passage that really speaks to you or helps you to know what God's will for you is, memorize that passage.  I've just started memorizing scripture for the first in years and it's not as hard as I thought it would be, and the passage I memorized years ago are still lurking around in my mind and come into my thoughts when I need them!


Praying is talking with God.  Usually you do all the talking, but many times while I am praying I will think of something important I need to do, or maybe further understanding about what I was reading, or maybe I'll be asking for help with a problem and suddenly I'll think of the solution to that problem.  That is God talking to me!  I just had this yesterday.  In the morning I was thinking about my desire to start a new blog, but couldn't decide what to use as the subject matter - I have so many things I like to do or like to talk about.  So as I was working on my laundry, I started to pray and ask God to show me what He wanted me to write about, and within seconds I remembered the talk I gave last spring at a mother-daughter tea about mother's and daughters walking side by side.  And then I knew I needed to start a blog to share my heart with my daughters, teaching them to be women of faith.  So this very blog is the result of hearing God's answer to my prayer while I was still praying about it!


Learning from someone else is also a great way to grow in your faith.  For many women, spending time with a wise, godly woman isn't something we can do on a regular basis, but many wise, godly women have written books that can teach us many things!  That's how I have learned the bulk of how to apply God's word in my life!  Elizabeth George, Elizabeth Elliot, Michelle Duggar, Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Stormie Omartian are a few authors who have impacted my life in the past few years.  Be careful in choosing the authors you study under, as not all Christian authors are doctrinally sound, many are worldly and fall into the category of teachers who lead others astray from the pure gospel.  2 Timothy 4:3 speaks of this: "For the time will come when people will not up up with sound doctrine, Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.  They will turn their ears way from the truth and turn aside to myths."


Lastly, it can be very helpful to have an accountability partner.  An accountability partner is someone who commits to meeting with you (in person or by phone) on a regular basis, which can be once a week, once a month or whatever works for both of you, to encourage one another and pray for each other and hold each other accountable.  I have been doing this for over 2 years now and it has been so helpful for me.  I tell her what I want to be held accountable for, and she shares her desires for spiritual growth with me.  We pray for each other as often as possible regarding each other's struggles.  Knowing that she is praying for me, and that sometime soon I will be sharing with her how successful I have been in having a regular time with my Lord helps me to stay on track!  Ask the Lord to show you who would be a good accountability partner for you and ask that person if she would be willing to do this with you!  You won't regret it!


Once you are filling your heart and mind regularly with the things of God, and taking time to talk with Him, your spiritual pool will fill up to overflowing.  That overflow will spill out into your relationships in your family.  But that is for my next letter.


I pray that what I have shared with you will enable you to become dedicated to spending time regularly with Him who died for you, and in so doing that you will be filled with the love of God and that it will bring glory to Him and bless all who know you.


With all my Love,


Mom

First Things First

My Daughters,


Before anything else is said, the basis for everything is your relationship to Jesus Christ.  I am not talking about going to church, reading your Bible, attending Bible studies, going on missions trips, or even praying before meals.  I am talking about a relationship with God the Father, through the blood of Jesus Christ, and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.  Without that, everything I am going to share on this blog is meaningless, temporary, and self glorifying.  And you will find it impossible to apply the things I am sharing over the long haul, because the Bible does not say "I can do all things because I am woman", but "in Christ who strengthens me.


So I'd like to take time to talk about how to find the strength to be all the we can be as women, and how to bring glory to God in our lives.  To begin, let's assume that you believe that there is a God.  Secondly let's assume that you believe the Bible to be true and God's inspired written word (if you don't believe these, please visit All About The Truth ).


The question you need to ask yourself is "Am I saved by the blood of Jesus Christ".  If you are relying on saying "the prayer" to ask Jesus into you heart, you might be sadly mistaken.  If you are relying on your goodness, you are sadly mistaken.  If you believe in God, that Jesus Christ is His son, that He died on the cross, and that the Bible is true - you have lots of company since the Devil and all his henchmen believe the same thing!  You say you go to church and read the Bible and do many good things?  Not good enough...those are good things, but in and of themselves they are nothing.  Jesus said in Matthew 7:22 - 23 "Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles. Then I will tell them plainly,'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers'".  These people came with high qualifications - prophesy, miracles, casting out demons...pretty impressive isn't it, yet Jesus called them evildoers!  So the question you must ask yourself is, "Does Jesus know me? Do I have a relationship with Him"


To have a relationship with Jesus Christ means that you believe that God, the Father, send His only Son, fully man and fully God, the only perfect man, to take our sins on us and pay the penalty for our sins by dying in our place.  "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever belives in Him will no perish, but have everlasting life" Jn 3:16.  In Romans 5:8 God tells us that "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us".  Romans 3:23 says "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God".  We all know we are sinners - it's obvious!  No matter how hard we try we can not be perfect (ever told a lie?  Then you are a liar...ever taken anything that wasn't yours?  Then you are a theif).    So how can we make up for our sins?  Romans 6:23 tells us "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord".  We can only pay for our sins by dying and going to hell...but we can never get to heaven because God can not be in the presence of sin.  But God knew this, and loved us so much that He gave His ONLY Son, to live on the earth, live perfectly and love perfectly, and the be beaten and spit upon and hung to die in order to pay for your sins and mine.  2 Corinthians 5:21 says, "For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him."


But how do we get that?  How can we get this free gift of eternal life?  Can I just say "the prayer" and then it's all taken care of?  Yes and no.  Romans 10: 9 - 10 says "if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.  For with the heart one blieves unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation."  You receive God's free gift of salvation by believing that Jesus is God's Son, that He died for you sins on the cross, and He rose again from the grave to give us eternal life with Him.  "For whoever will call on the name of the Lord will be saved"


Confess that you are a sinner, that you can not save yourself.  Tell God that you believe His word and that Jesus died for you.  Commit yourself to turning from your sinful ways and thank Him for his forgiveness.  That is where it all starts...


Is that all?  Do you now have your "free get out of jail" card and you can go about your business?  Not at all.  Recognizing Jesus Christ as your saviour is the first step and the forgiveness of you past sins is complete...but what is next?  Let me give you an illustration - let's say a young man courts and wins a young ladies affections, asks her to marry her, goes to the church and says his vows, kisses his lovely bride and then walks out of the church never to see her again, or maybe he'll stop by the house once in a while and ask her for something...and maybe once in a while he'll tell someone what a wonderful wife he has and all that she's done for him.  Does he have a relationship with his wife?  Does she know him?  Is he fulfilling his vows?  Is he showing his love and growing in his relationship with her, getting to know her likes and dislikes...maybe making changes in his life to make her pleased with him??  Does this ring a bell?  So many have "said the prayer" and then act like that man - go on living their lives just as they want, ignoring the One who laid down His life for them and living as though what pleases Him doesn't matter at all.


This relationship with Jesus Christ is the process of making Him Lord of your life.  Studying Christ's life, God's commandments...to see what pleases Him.  If you love someone, don't you want to do things that please Him?  God loves you so much that He wrote it all down in the Bible - things to bless you, to make your life a blessing to others, and if we follow His commands you will be blessed.


But you still sin?  Yes, we all sin.   But the question is, is your life marked by sin - are you continuing to sin habitually over and over again without remorse?  If so, question your salvation because when you accept Christ as your Savior, the Holy Spirit comes to dwell in you and is your guide - He will make you aware of your sins.  Once you are saved, you should study God's word and seek to apply it in your life.  Becoming Christ-like is a life long process and it takes dedication.  When you sin, confess it and ask for strength to overcome it the next time around.  Your life should become a ray of light in a dark world of sin...if your friends and family don't see a change in your life, then there probably hasn't been one.


If you are saved, then put God first in your life.  Give Him the first time in the day - read His word, do Bible studies, read books that teach you how to apply God's word in your life, find a mentor who is mature in his/her walk in the Lord and learn from them.  Pray genuinely every day, without ceasing...God hears your every prayer and will answer your every prayer.  But remember that God is not a lucky charm - He will answer your prayer according to His perfect will for you so sometimes He may answer with a "no" or "wait"...but pray and share with Him everything.


If you haven't read it yet, the best book I have found for women to grow in their relationship with God is "A Woman after God's Own Heart" by Elizabeth George.  This book helps you figure out your priorities as a believer and how to bring your faith into every area of your life.  If you are a new believer, or a believer that struggles to live your life in a way that is pleasing to your Lord, please get this book and read it - look up the passages she uses in the book and use it as a tool for your morning time with the Lord.  You will be blessed if you persevere, I can guarantee it!  I read this book almost 2 years ago and it is the single most influential book (next to the Bible) I have read in my entire life - through the application of that book I have grown in my walk with the Lord more than in any other time of my life.  I wish I could have read this book when I was younger, much younger!


So, that is the foundation of all I will share - are you saved and making Christ Lord of your life...does He KNOW you and do you KNOW Him.




With all my Love,


Mom




PS If what I have shared with you here enabled you to claim your gift of salvation, or to take the steps to making Christ Lord of your life, I'd love to hear from you!  Please leave a comment or email me !




**I have used the Roman's Road for much of what I have shared, and you can read more on The Roman Road.Org