A Book for All My Daughters

No, no new letter yet.  But I have something just as good!  Last fall I was asked to contribute to a book about childbearing years.  The authors all have two things in common.  They have all given birth throughout their childbearing years.  Some had many children (like me) and some had only a few, with long time spans between having babies.  The second thing they all have in common is that they are women of faith.  Faith in the God of the Bible, and they each recognize that He is the author and creator of life, and that God uses our childbearing years to create us to be Christlike.

Relinquishing control (or perceived control) of our bodies to the creative work of pregnancy and childbirth has many correlations to the walk of a believer.  We have to take a back seat in order to really see the glory of what Christ is doing in us.  If we fight against God and choose to give in to our natural desire to control our lives in any way, then we are not allowing God to be Lord of our lives, and we will suffer for it.  If in no other way, we suffer from stress.  Because we are not God, we are not created with the ability to control most things, so when we try, we are putting stress into our lives.

Anyway, all that to say that this book is a great collection of stories.  Stories of faith and trust.  Stories of learning to recognize God's hand even in times of difficulty.  Stories of triumph and stories of intense heartache.  I wish all women of faith could read this book and learn of these women who have, in so many ways, "Been There, Done That."

Three Decades of Fertility was released in paperback and E-book on July 29!  You can use the link near the top of the right side bar for ordering (I will get a commission on your order so thanks in advance for ordering using my link!  With two trips to an Eastern European to rescue Priscilla, I'm sure any extra income will come in handy!).

But without further ado, please watch the trailer below, and click on the image in my side bar to read more about this book, and get a sneak peak at some of the stories, as well as other parts, of the book!

New Daughters....

I know this isn't a "letter", but bear with me as I have some very exciting news about my daughter, present and future!

We will be adding to our list of daughters in two ways this year.

First (at least probably first) we will be adding a daughter in law!

Engaged 6/8/13

Jeremy and Sam  (as she prefers to be called), first noticed each other over a year ago. Jeremy spent a few months getting to know her father (more like her father getting to know Jeremy) about a year ago.  Last December, Jeremy was given permission to court Sam, and she was very happy to be courted by Jeremy.

Just shy of 5 months of courting, Jeremy planned a very special day at a local park.  At the previously planned appointed time, his brother, Jonathan, would "disappear."  Jeremy very sweetly asked Sam to marry him, and she agreed!

There is no date set yet, but the ring is gorgeous - Jeremy did an excellent job of picking it out all by himself!

Photos courtesy of Sam's sister, Ali's Shutter Bug Photography Blog

Needless to say we wholeheartedly approve and are so proud of Jeremy in being such a godly young man and seeking to glorify God in this and every area of his life.  Sam has been raised in a family very similar to ours, and I am sure she will be an amazing help-meet to Jeremy.  Her heart for the Lord and homemaking is wonderful to behold.  We look forward to adding Sam to our list of godly daughters!

And secondly, we are in the process of adopting Priscilla (we will be giving her a new name once she is officially ours).  You can read all about our adoption on my new blog, A Seventh Sister!

(yes, I "photoshopped" that bow - I also changed the "blue" to lavender!
I just couldn't stand to see her in boy colors!)

Oh Be Careful...

My Daughters,

Purity has taken some hits through history.  Hundreds of years ago, those who wanted to worship God in pure, undefiled worship, completely unrestricted by the state church, were labeled "Puritans".  This was not a compliment, it was an insult. But they liked the name and took it as their own.  Many who take purity seriously today are labeled as "legalists" or worse.  I'd like to talk about purity and it's place in our lives as believers and followers of Christ.

So, what is the definition of purity?  Hagnotes definition is "chastity, uprightness of life".  Merriam-Webster defines it as "the quality or state of being pure", and defines "pure" as "free from moral fault or guilt" . Vines Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words defines purity as "pure from defilement, not contaminated" and says it is from the same root as "holy".  

When I was a very little girl, I learned a song that we often sang in school that is all about purity, even though I didn't know it at the time.  The words go like this:

Oh be careful little eyes what you see!
Oh be careful little eyes what you see!
For the Father up above,
Is looking down in love,
So be careful little eyes what you see!


Oh be careful little ears what you hear!
Oh be careful little ears what you  hear !
For the Father up above,
Is looking down in love,
So be careful little ears what you  hear !


Oh be careful little hands what you do!
Oh be careful little hands what you do!
For the Father up above,
Is looking down in love,
So be careful little hands what you do!

It was such a fun song to sing because it had great hand motions to go with it.  The words are so good for children to learn too.  It's so easy for children to see, hear and do things that they shouldn't, and the memories can last a lifetime!  But this song isn't just for children!  We must all be very careful what we allow ourselves to see, hear and do.

Casting Crowns recently released a song called "Slow Fade", and they included children singing a verse of the "Oh Be Careful" song in it.  This song has a great message for all of us.  It's so easy to allow things into our lives that seem insignificant at the time, but they can quickly grow and take over our lives, destroying our relationship with God and our families.  Take a moment to watch and listen to this music video:




It's so easy to let our moral purity slide in today's culture, but it can start in childhood.

As children, there is a purity of mind, a naivety, that is something to protect.  While all are born with sin, babies and young children have this purity if they have been sheltered from the evils of our world.  They assume that all people are good and would never hurt them.  They haven't been exposed to corrupt things that seep into their thoughts.  At least most children.  Sadly there are many children who have been exposed to evil through the movies and music their parents and family watch/listen to, and even more tragic are the children exposed to evils purposely by corrupt adults.  But that is not what I am going to be dealing with today.  I want to talk about what we allow into our lives and the lives of those around us.

Children need to be protected from evil influences.  Images, songs, and actions that children see, hear and participate in can stick with them for a lifetime, robbing them of some of the joys that most of us take for granted.  Young adults are bombarded in our culture at too early an age with images and songs that encourage them to think about boy/girl relationships and expose them to adult temptations long before they are mature enough to withstand them.  Today homeschoolers have been accused over and over again of sheltering their children.  These critics say that when these sheltered homeschooled children get "out in the world" they will freak out - go off the deep end.  That they will not be able to "handle" all that the world will throw at them.  They would rather see us begin to expose our children to the ways of the world while they are young, so they are used to it when they become young adults.

I believe that the philosophy of the world is flawed, and that there is great merit to sheltering our children.  I have heard it likened to a green house.  When a seedling sprouts it is unable to survive in the climate outside until it is strong.  The green house completely protects the seedling until it becomes prepared to go out into the garden.  A green house is usually equipped with the ability to open the windows and ceilings, allowing in fresh air at the warmest part of the day.  The time the plant is exposed to the elements (cold, rain and wind for example) can be slowly increased until the plant is determined to be hardy and then is ready to be planted in the garden and thrive.  This process is carefully planned and controlled by the owner of the plants and green house.

I believe that our children are very much like those plants.  If they are exposed to the evils of our world without any filter or protection when they are young and vulnerable, they will succumb to these influences and their purity will die.  If, however, our children's purity is carefully guarded in their childhood, and then with careful thought and the help of their parents allowed to learn about the world around them and the evils therein, supported by conversation and teaching them go to the Word of God in order understand what God has to say about such things, our children can develop a world view that is godly and biblical and be prepared to refute the philosophies of this world and, with God's help,  stand up under the temptations they will encounter.  If parents are not careful about what their children are exposed to, and are not there to discuss what God's word has to say, they can compromise their children's purity and ability to process the world around them.  In Deuteronomy 11:18 - 19  it instructs parents saying "You shall therefore impress these words of mine on your heart and on your soul....You shall teach them to your sons, talking of them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road and when you lie down and when you rise up."  It is the responsibility of parents to be with their children as much as possible, teaching them the truths of God's word and applying them in every circumstance.

But how can we, as young women and older women, be pure?  What does that look like?  Let's take a look first at what the Bible says about purity:

I Timothy 4:12 says "Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe."

2 Timothy 2:22 says "Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart"

Titus 1:15 says "To the pure, all things are pure; but to those who are defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure, but both their mind and their conscience are defiled"

Titus 2:5 admonishes women "to be sensible, pure. workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored."

There are several things to consider when applying the concept of purity to our lives as women.  As seen in the scriptures above, it can involve our thoughts, speech, conduct, love and devotion to God.  I believe it can also involve how we act and how we dress.  It also involves what we expose ourselves to - garbage in, garbage out, so to speak.

First let's talk about our thoughts.  It amazes me that our minds seem to never stop thinking, unless we are asleep, but even then our thoughts can effect our dreams!  Until reading the book "Loving God with all Your Mind" by Elizabeth Elliot, I had never really thought about my thoughts and whether or not I could control them!  She explained that in 2 Corinthians 10:5, Paul tells them that "we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ" and that in Philippians 4:8, he admonishes them by saying "Finally, my brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things."  It is so easy to allow our thoughts to wander!  Sin originates in the mind.  First we consider the temptation, then we think about giving in to it, pondering the sin, and then we act.  The mind is a powerful thing, and can seem out of our control at times.  But God can give us the ability to control our thoughts and turn away from impure thoughts.  It is important that we do this, because impure thoughts can and will lead to impure speech and actions.  If you wouldn't say or do the things you are thinking about in the presence of Jesus Christ, then you have no business thinking about it at anytime - remember your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit!  When you find yourself having thoughts that are not pure, quickly ask the Lord to take away the thoughts, to purify your mind, and then purpose to think on something else that is acceptable before the Lord.

One part of purity of the mind is being careful what we expose ourselves to.  Images and videos can stay in our minds permanently, coming back to haunt us when we least want them to.  Lyrics from songs can play over and over in your mind, even though you thought you weren't listening to the lyrics.  Would the images, videos, movies and songs you are exposing yourself to pass the test of Philippians 4:8?  Oh, be careful little eyes and ears - garbage in, garbage out.  If we feed our minds on the trash of this world, we can not expect our thoughts to be pure.  And our thoughts are where our actions and speech originate from.  So think twice about what you choose to expose yourself to, because you may never be able to get it out of your head.

Now let's consider our speech.  Does your speech always reflect purity?  Would someone you don't know well, but has heard you talk, consider your language and speech to be pure?  Would your speech make them aware of your faith in Jesus Christ, or would the revelation that your are a Christian surprise them?  There are many things that women participate in that can defile their speech - gossip, coarse joking, insults and snide remarks, sarcasm, flirting, and curses to name a few.  I'd like to talk about a kind of blasphemy and curses that is often overlooked.

You probably don't think you curse or blaspheme, but let's take a closer look.  Do you say "Oh my god"?  That is so common in our culture that many Christians take our God's name in vain on a daily basis.  What about using "OMG" in your texts and facebook status updates?  What about "Gee", "Golly," "Jees" and "Oh my Gosh" (Webster's Dictionary says "Origin of GOSH. euphemism for God", Origin of Golly is euphemism for God,) ?  There are more out there, but these are all derivatives of our precious Lord's name and can lead to true blasphemy.  Are these words used in a way to make our speech beautiful?  Pleasant? Or are they just substitutions for blasphemy?  I consider them nicknames, and they are a stepping stone into true blasphemy.  God does say in the Bible not to take His name in vane, but he never said we can't take our name in vane...if you must, say "man"! Let us not use our mouths to express the name of our precious Savior who died in our place in a careless way, and then use that same mouth to praise that name on Sunday morning!

"But I'd never say a curse" you say?  Do you ever say "dang it", "dang nab it" "darn" "darn it"?  Those are all substitutes for saying "damn".  Did you know that "damn" is defined as a verb that is "God condemning a person to suffer eternal punishment in hell: "To be forever damned with Lucifer".  The original phase is "God damn it," which you can hear on occasion, .  Really?  Should we as Christians say anything like that?  Is there a need for it?  These words are usually used in anger, a sin by the way.  So instead of speaking out in anger and cursing someone of something to the depths of hell, we should be asking the Lord for grace to stand under the daily frustrations (which, but the way, He has ordained for you to endure in the process of becoming Christ-like!).  What about "heck" "sam hill"?  Those are referring to hell.  Is there a need for a Christian to speak of hell on a regular basis?  And then there's the all to common "What the..." This leaves the listener to fill in the blank, and even godly individuals have probably heard the unsavory endings to this enough that their minds will fill in the blank, corrupting their minds in that moment, almost without their ever having time to stop the thought from happening.  Ephesians 4:29 says "Let no unwholesome word proceed from  your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear."  Let that verse be the filter that all your speech passes through before you utter it. God is interested in our speech, if you don't believe me, check out this list of verses about our speech!

What about our conduct?  We need to think twice about the things we agree to be involved in.  For example, take dancing.  If you have made a commitment to remain pure until your wedding day, saving that first kiss for your husband, what about physical contact?  I must say that slow dancing, close bodily contact, is giving part of yourself away before the alter.  Would your future husband want you to be holding hands with, or holding your body against, another man?  If you knew who your future husband was, and he was watching you dance with someone else, would you feel uncomfortable?  What about the feelings and thoughts you are probably causing in the young man you are dancing with?  Would you feel comfortable dancing with that young man if his fiance was standing there?  What about participating in that conduct in front of your parents?  Your pastor?  Your Savior?  What about the movies you see?  The restaurants/bars you frequent.  What about smoking, drinking or getting tattoos?  Consider carefully if you would do that if Christ were by your side, and if you wouldn't, then you shouldn't do it - He's in your heart, seeing everything you do.  Our lives should be a reflection of our faith in Christ.  We are to be growing Christ-like.  If Jesus wouldn't do what you are doing, should you be doing it?

The last things I want to talk about is how we, as women, choose to dress.  This is a very sticky subject, and I may step on some toes here.  I do not want to give you a list of what is modest and pure the wear, but to address the heart of the matter.  Men are visually oriented, and they were created to appreciate a woman's figure and to be attracted physically to their wife in a sensual, visual way.  Women are emotionally and physically oriented - we find fulfillment in our relationship with our husband (future husbands) through physical touch and emotional connection.  We women need to be very careful in how we dress.  Men can easily be tempted by the sight of a women who has dressed provocatively.  I know that it can feel good to have a man appreciate our beauty, but we should not be seeking that by dressing in a way to draw attention to our bodies.  I do not mean that you have to dress in a gunny sack, but you should not be dressing in such a way as to cause your brothers in Christ to stumble.  Let me be frank with you - showing your thighs or cleavage, or wearing clothes that reveal the curves of your body is defrauding to your brothers in Christ.  When you dress, check yourself in the mirror.  Bend over, sit in a chair.  Does your clothing draw attention to certain parts of your body?  Make sure that your womanly features are carefully hidden.  Save them for your husband!  You can dress femininely without being immodest.  If you are unsure, ask your father if he approves of your choice of clothing?  Your brothers?  Your pastor?  Would you want your daughter to dress in that manner?  What about your future husband - would you want him to be exposed to another woman wearing what you are wearing?  Let your true beauty be that of your inward self.  Let others be attracted to your personality and wit.  Let your clothes be outward adornment, adding to that inner beauty.

You might be saying in your heart that I am being a legalist - don't drink, don't dance....But it is a matter of the heart that I am talking about.  Are you living to please yourself or to please your Savior?  If you truly love your Lord, then you will plan your life around doing things that please Him and reflect His image in your life.  Are you living your life as a sacrifice of holiness to the one who lived a sinless life yet hung on a cross, dying a gruesome death in your place, or are you trampling on His sacrifice by claiming to be a Christian yet living as though you are not.  Romans 12:2 says "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." Your conduct does reflect on God if you claim Him.  But most importantly, your conduct reflects your love for Him, :

What about young women who have not been sheltered and bear the scares of exposure to the evils of our world?  What then?  Then start today.  Ask the Lord to purify your mind of the memories and images you have that are defiled.  Purpose to live a life of holiness, with God's help and grace.   Do not dwell on where you have been, holding onto bitterness or making excuses.  God is writing the story of your life, and He will use all of your life to be a testimony of His grace.  He has given you a garment of righteousness in exchange for your garment of defilement.  Claim this every time you are tempted to consider yourself less that your sisters in Christ.  We are all sinful, we all sin.  But the good news is that forgiveness is available through Christ's shed blood, all we need to do it ask.  And He doesn't only forgive, He forgets, and so must we.  Use your experiences to show God's amazing grace in your life, but don't let them drag you down, make you feel defiled or hinder  your serving your Lord in purity and truth today.

So be careful to be pure, be careful of what you allow into your life so you can be a fragrance of purity in a world of defilement.

All My Love,

Mom

Learning to Love

My Daughters,


We all love fairy tales...a young innocent girl pines away in her castle for her true love, Prince Charming, to rescue her from her dull life.  Prince Charming arrives on his trusty steed and whisks the young girl off her feet, they have their "true love's first kiss" and they ride off into the sunset, right?  In some of the fairy tales, they get married, in some you assume they do.  But it's usually the basic boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happily ever after.  And you have probably thought about your prince charming and played pretend about getting married and living happily ever after, but when you look around at the lives of people you know, those who live happily ever after without a care in the world are few and far between (and possibly extinct, right?).


The love portrayed in fairy tales is just that, a fairy tale.  It doesn't exist, and it shouldn't exist, in our real world.  Occasionally you will hear of couple who "fell in love at first sight", but that is a fallacy...they may form a desire at first sight, but there is no possible way to develop a love that lasts a lifetime based on first impressions.  There might be something that makes you think "he may be the one", but it is definitely not love.  You may even be very impressed by someone's appearance or demeanor to the point of wanting to know that person more, but that is not love either.  Many people confuse desire for love.  Looking at another person and liking what you see, is not love, it is desire.  Just like you might see a candy that looks delicious, and it's appearance makes you desire to taste it...but until you bite into it you have no idea what's inside.


One time I was travelling and stopped by a little coffee shop and purchased some delicious looking chocolates.  They were expensive, but they looked so scrumptious that I just could not resist...they were worth the price, at least I believed they were worth the effort to find out.  I was in a hurry, so I took them with me to the car to eat while I was on the ferry.  Once I was settled and parked on the ferry, I opened the package and took out one of the chocolates...man it looked good!  I took a little nibble and it was as delicious as it looked - smooth creamy chocolate that melts in you mouth as smooth as silk...so I took a bite that went all the way to the middle...YUCK!  The middle tasted like mold!  How disgusting!  I have never tasted anything so vile when expecting something so delicious!


People can be like that chocolate.  You can only see what's on the outside.  Even when you spend lots of time with other people!  Unless you live with that person you probably won't see the real deal.  Most people put their best face forward, especially when they are not at home.  You might think you know someone, but until you spend a lot of time with them, and especially spend time with them in their home and with their family, you probably know only what they want you to know about them!  They may look like wonderful chocolate, but you have no idea if they are harboring something disgusting inside.


So how in the world can you ever find a true Prince Charming?  You don't.  Wait on the Lord, seek His face and find your all in Him.  Look to Him to fill all your needs and learn to love others the way Christ loves us.  In God's perfect timing, He will bring "The One" He has chosen for you into your life. But that is for another letter - there's so much more to say about that.


This letter is about love.  The kind of love that takes work.  The kind of love that lasts a lifetime.  The kinds of love that will continue even after you have found something unlovable in the object of your love.  The love I want to share with you today is not a feeling (but it can result in strong feelings), but a choice.  It's a commitment to love another person regardless of what they can do for you.  This is called Agape love, and it  is a love that is unconditional.  This is the kind of love that Jesus has for us.  He loved us while we were yet sinners and died for us even before we loved Him.


This kind of love is what it takes to make a marriage work.  A total, 100% commitment to loving your spouse no matter what they have done to earn your love, or what they have done to earn your wrath.  But how can you have this love?  How can you learn to love in this way?


God is the only one who can enable you to love in this manner.  He has placed you in your family for a purpose - to learn to love unconditionally.  Family is forever...friends may come and friends may go, but your mother and father will always be your mother and father, and your sisters and brothers will always be your sisters and brothers.  Living with your family, day in and day out, will give you ample opportunities to choose to love others even when they are unlovable.  I know this is true in our family!


What does this kind of love look like in a family?  This is the kind of  love that will do things for others.  This kind of love will mean going beyond what is required of you.  If you see that your sister or brother has left his shoes out on the lawn and it is beginning to rain, you will go out there and grab the shoes and put them away for your sibling...and not even tell them about it.  This kind of love will cause you to think "I should make some popcorn today because my sister loves popcorn and that would make her happy".  Agape love puts the other person first, regardless of their worthiness to receive this love.  Remember, God loved us while we were most unlovable - before we accepted His gift of salvation, while we were still living a life of selfishness and breaking His laws and hating Him.  Agape love is choosing to love someone and committing yourself to loving that person no matter what.


But, you may ask, what does Agape love have to do with marriage - aren't married couples already "in love"?  Isn't the love already mutual?  It might be, but in any marriage there will come a time when your spouse will not meet your expectations, or he might even do something really terrible.  We are all sinners, saved by God's grace.  We don't stop sinning the moment we become a child of God.  But we have forgiveness through Christ's blood.  But sometimes our sins, and the sins of others, can hurt those we love.  Sometimes we don't even realize that we have hurt those we love.  And many times, the sins of those we love hurt us.  But that does not give us a right to withhold our love for them.  If you have made a commitment to love your family with an Agape love, then you will continue to love them even when they seem unlovable.


Use this time in your life to practice unconditional love to the members of our family.  Treat them as you would your best friend - pray for them, forgive without being asked, think of things that you can do that will make them enjoy the day, do things for them that will make their burdens light,  and plan your activities to include them.  Even when you don't feel like it.  Remember, just because you feel something, it doesn't mean it's true! When you don't feel like showing Agape love, remind yourself of all that God, through Christ, has done for you and remind yourself that you have committed to loving that person unconditionally and chose to do something special for that person today.


I know this works. I have experienced this in my life.  A very wise counselor told me that in order to release the resentment I had built up towards someone in my life, I had to chose to love that person.  I had to pray for that person.  I didn't live with this person, so for the most part, I could only pray.  But every time I thought of that person or began to recount in my mind all that that person had done to hurt me, I stopped myself and said a prayer that God would bless them and give them a wonderful day and that that person would feel the love of God.  It took a long time, but after a few months I began to realize that I was no longer resentful towards that person.  I was actually feeling positive towards that person and began to see them in a new light.  Since that time I can say that I have no more resentment (even when that person does something that offends me) and that I have a genuine love for that person.


Your emotions can and will follow your mind.  Choose to love those in your family and learn to pour out love on them and this will prepare you for loving your husband.  Loving your husband is not something that will come easily at all times...yes, there will be times when your husband does things that create a strong feeling of love, but there will be many other times when your husband will not create these feelings and that is when your commitment to love him "in sickness and in health, in rich or in poor" will take all that is in you and then some...but God is able and with His help you will be able to say with Paul "I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength."  Love God, ask for His wisdom and strength, and love your family (and in the future, your husband) at all times and all circumstances.


All My Love,


Mom

Great Expectations

My Daughters,


As a follow up to my last letter, I wanted to touch on the subject of expectations.  When you were a little girl you expected your mom to fix your meals, wash your clothes. In general you expected your parents to take care of you and meet all your needs.  This is right and good.  As you begin to grow up you begin to do more and more of those things on your own, and expect less and less of your needs to be met by your parents.  But, on occasion, your mother might do something for you that you are in the habit of doing for yourself, like tidying your room for you or making your bed for example.   When this happens you are pleasantly surprised right?  You want to thank her and let her know how nice that was.


Now, what if your mother has usually made the bed for you still, even beyond when you could do it yourself, but for some reason she kept doing that for you each morning.  When you see your bed made, you hardly take notice, and you probably would not think to thank her for doing that for you.  And if one day she is unable to make your bed due to illness or forgetfulness, you might even be irritated and wonder what she was thinking to inconvenience you so.


I know this example is a little silly, but I wanted to make a point about expectations.  When we expect something and that expectation gets met, it gets little notice and it is more like just checking it off of a list of some sort.  And then, when our expectations are not met, it can lead to frustration, irritation, bitterness and even to a damaged relationships!


In a marriage, expectations can be deadly.  As little girls and young women we often dream of the kind of man we hope to marry.  We think about all the wonderful things he will do for us and how wonderful he will make us feel.  We dream of the home he will provide for us, the children he will help you raise and so many other things.  But you need to be careful as you build your image of your future husband.  Be very careful.  God has the perfect future spouse for you...he will be perfect for you, but he will not be perfect.  Your spouse will challenge you in many ways as God uses him to mold you into His image.  But your expectations can get in the way of that process.


I know all about this, because I did this.  I had high expectations of marriage and what a husband should and should not be.  For starters, I was looking for a tall, dark and handsome young man who would romantically sweep me off my feet, surrounding me with giddy feelings and stars in my eyes.  But God, in His infinite wisdom instead brought to me a sincere friend who loved me for who I was, flaws and all.    He wasn't tall or dark, but he was handsome...but 30% is not a passing grade in a classroom, right?  I overlooked God's best for me and sought elsewhere for my perfect husband...I almost married the wrong man - he was tall and dark , but not exceptionally handsome (60% is a passing grace, right?).  I had stars in my eyes and he was romantic, but those stars blinded me to fatal flaws in his character.  I am so thankful that God stepped into my life and removed those stars and showed me the path I was walking down before it was too late....a path that would most likely lead to a difficult marriage, abuse and falling away from my walk with Him.


The problem with my expectations was that I was using the world's standards as my own, and looking at outward appearances.  We have to be very careful that our expectations line up with God's best for us.  


My mindset of expectations didn't end there though.  Even though I followed God's direction and soon realized the more valuable character qualities in your father,  as well as seeing the blessing of having a dynamic friendship as the solid foundation on which to build a marriage, I still brought expectations into our marriage relationship that caused us many trying times.


For example, in my mind, husbands were expected to take out the trash for example.  I have no idea where I got this idea, but it was probably all those TV sitcoms I watched growing up!  So, by expecting my husband to take out the trash, I would not take notice of when it did get taken out.  But if it wasn't taken out when it needed to go, I would fume and fuss, get irritated, eventually take it out myself grumbling the whole way...and I would let him know that he had let me down, and in not so subtle ways.  There were many such expectations that I had, so there were many times that I would be irritated with him.


Now, let's put on the other shoe, so to speak.  Let's say that your future husband expects you to get up every morning and fix his breakfast and sack lunch for him...his mother always did this for his dad, so he expects it of you.  Every morning you do this for him and he eats the breakfast and grabs the lunch, wishes you a good day and heads out the door...after a few months you begin to feel neglected and un-appreciated as he never thanks you for your dedicated service to him.  And then when you are not feeling well and sleep in, your husband bangs around in the kitchen, grumbling about having to make his own breakfast and lunch...and maybe even making a snide comment in the evening about whether or not your would laze around in bed again tomorrow or not.  Does this make you want to get up with him the next day when he never says thank you and makes life miserable for you when you don't do it?  You can't win, right?


But now let's say you do not expect your husband to take out the trash.  When it's full, you take it out.  And then one day you are in the back yard and you look up to see your husband taking out the trash - WOW!  You are so thankful that he thought to do that for you!  You make a point of thanking him!  He get's husband brownie points for sure!  Or let's say that your husband never expects you to get up with him in the morning, and then one day you do - he is so thankful that you are there to share conversation (and possibly Bible time) with him, and he will exclaim over the wonderful breakfast...he might even brag to his co-workers about the exceptionally good lunch you prepared for him.  Would that response make you want to do it again for him?  Of course it would.


So remember, when you expect something...you can and will be disappointed.  But when you don't expect something you just might be pleasantly surprised!


All my love,


Mom

Honoring Your Father, Loving Your Husband

My Daughters,


In Titus 2 Paul instructs the "older women" to "encourage the young women to love their husbands..." In some translation it reads "teach".  But, you may ask, if a woman falls in love with a man and they marry, why would they need to be taught how to love their husband if she is already in love with him?  That is a very good question!  The answer is that "falling in love" is not what the Bible talks about when it comes to marriage.  If you can fall IN love, then you can (and will) fall OUT OF love!  The love spoken of in the Bible is a love that is a commitment to  the object of the love.  It is very similar to the friendship kind of love - putting the object of your love before yourself, desiring to bless them and please them.  But before I get into that subject (in a later letter), I'd like to talk to the young women who are not married yet.  At this time, none of my daughters in my home are married, but that doesn't mean that this command to teach them to love their husbands can be ignored by me or them!


When you are a daughter at home, you can practice loving your husband!  Until you are married, you are under the protection, provision and instruction of your father.  God calls you to honor your father, and no where in scriptures does it say you outgrow this command!  Honoring your father can be excellent preparation for being a help-meet to your husband someday...at least the kind of loving support that I am talking about.


So, how does "honoring your father" look?  How can that prepare you to love your husbands?  It can in many ways.  The kind of love and honor I am talking about is that of a commitment to improve their life, to support them in their work and ministry, and to make them know they are loved.


The most important thing you can do to honor and love your father is to pray for him!  He has a lot of responsibility on his shoulders and faces our evil world everyday to supply our needs!  Pray for his protection, wisdom, strength against temptation, spiritual growth, good health.  Praying for someone will always increase your love for that person.  You can also ask him if there's anything you can specifically pray for - knowing that you are praying for your father will mean so much to him!  And, of course, praying for your father will establish a habit that will convert over nicely to praying for your husband when you are married.  Speaking of praying for your husband...have you ever prayed for your future husband?  God knows him intimately and even now you can be praying that God would bless him and teach him, to protect him from evil, and mold him to be the godly husband you hope to have!


The kind of honor and love I am talking about also takes getting to know your father - what he likes, what displeases him, what his purpose in life is, what his ministry is...and maybe he doesn't even know these things himself, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't have them!  You need to study your father, get to know him, spend time with him listening to him, asking questions to draw him out.  What does he like, what are his favorite foods, what is his favorite thing to do, what does he like to read, what are his hopes and dreams?  Find out more about your dad than anybody, besides your mom, knows about him!  Then take what you have learned and try to please him.  Make meals/snacks that he likes.  Use the Golden Rule - "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" - do things for your father that you know would please you!   Offer to help him out with his projects (it's OK to get dirty/greasy).  Ask him to teach you the things he knows, especially things that will help you care for your family someday - like how to fix plumbing, a lawn mower, change the oil in a car and more!  If your father has a hobby, try it out.  Even if it's a "guy thing" - some male hobbies are quite fun!  Working side by side with your father will be so special.  Men are not prone to sharing their heart with others...but when you spend time with your father doing something he enjoys, it will give opportunity for special talks as well!


Thinking about your father during the day, and planning to do things for him once he gets home from work, will create a deeper love for your father.  Many young girls look at their father from a viewpoint of what their fathers do for them - protection, provision, fix their things, and the maker of the rules in her life.  But they can be so much more!  When you invest yourself in someone else, you will deepen your relationship with that person in ways that will last a lifetime.  I wish I had done this, but it's too late as my father passed away a few years ago.  So let me encourage you to do this for your father, no matter how old you are, or if your relationship with your father has taken a few hits through the years.  Commit to loving your father in tangible ways, day in and day out, giving him the respect and honor that God commands and going that much farther and becoming his loving daughter.


But what about submitting to and obeying your father?  Let's assume that in general you obey your father and do as he asks...but is that all you should do?  When you obey your father, you are practicing how to honor your husband.  When you act in accordance with your father's wishes even when he is not present, you are practicing to love your husband and you are pleasing God, your heavenly father!  When you are married, your husband will have ideas about how a home should be run, what activities he likes to have his wife involved in and how his wife interacts with others in her world.  But he will not be with his wife 24 hours a day.  Your father is not with you 24 hours a day, but that does not mean that if he is not there, that you can act anyway you please...you still need to live according to his preferences and rules at all times.  By committing to living your life according to your father's (and your heavenly Father's) will, you are learning to curb your sinful nature and gain self control.  This is not easy!  This is impossible in our own strength as our nature as women is to put ourselves and our desires first and take any opportunity to fulfill those desires when no one is looking!  But, much like your Father in heaven, he will find out.  What you do when you are not in his presence, will usually get back to him somehow...and even if it doesn't, disobedience always damages relationships.  When you have gone against your father wishes, the next time you are with your father your will hold back that part of your life from him and your will be dishonest with him.


What about when you are making decisions?  Are you wise in your own eyes, or do you realize that your father is a source of wisdom?  Granted, not all fathers are filled with Godly wisdom, but if your father is a believer then this is most likely true, and if he is not a believer, he has lived longer than you and understands the world around you much better!  Talk to your dad when you are needing to make decisions and listen to him.  You might not like what he suggests, but dad's have been around and they know things you do not know.  Unless what your father tells you is contrary to God's word, you should put great importance to what he says.  If you are unsure about anything - activities to participate in, what subjects to study, where to volunteer your time, how to help your mother, how to spend your money, what clothes are acceptable to wear...ask your father and listen to him.  So many times women and girls will ask the man in their life for his opinion, but when that opinion does not line up with the girl's/women's opinion, the women/girls will react in defensiveness and reject that opinion.  We, as women, like to have our own way (it started with Eve).  When the men in our lives do not agree with us we are tempted (and usually give in to this temptation) to rationalize our way out of listening to and honoring the men in our lives.  So I encourage you to ask for his opinion/help and take it...don't discuss it, just take it to heart and take some time to think about it, and see why he would recommend/suggest what he did!  You can ask him to elaborate on his opinion and why he feels that way...but sometimes he might not know exactly why or may not think it prudent to explain it in detail to you...so you may just have to take his word for it!  Pray about it and ask God to show you what to do...but don't reject anything your father suggests just because it doesn't line up with your wants and desires.


What about his ministry?  Does that seem strange to you?  Event though your father is not a pastor or a missionary, every Christian father has a ministry whether or not he realizes it!  In Deuteronomy 6, God's word says to father (and mothers), "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.  And these words which I commend you today shall be in your heart.  You shall teach them diligently to your children..."  His ministry in your home is to teach your family about God.  Think about what it takes to have family devotions in your home and work to make it as easy as possible for your father to do this.  In our home, in order for us to have a time as a family to study God's word with my husband, we have to plan and execute having dinner on time,  and have the books needed within arms reach, and all the children willing to remain at the table when they are finished eating...we also need to be very careful not to make too many evening commitments, as when we have events in the evening it never fails that we run from the dinner table not even thinking about taking the time to read together!  So think through and plan out what it takes to get your home set up to make having family Bible time possible and commit to executing that plan every day!  Make a list...dinner ingredients in the house (thawed if need be), dishes clean, table set, dinner started on time...what ever it takes!




When you give your father the honor and respect I just described, it will uplift him and encourage him.  It will cause him to take his role as your father more seriously!  So many men (and women) today have succumbed to our world's flawed portrayal of a father and husband..they are the bread winner and their job in life is to keep the women in their lives happy, 'cuz "if momma ain't happy, aint nobody happy".  But that is so wrong!  We as women are called by God to support, encourage, help and love the men in our lives and make them happy!

What if your father is not a believer, does that change my advice to you?  Not really.  Not unless he commands you to do something contrary to God's word.  Loving and honoring your father as I have shown you today can be a powerful tool that God can use in your father's life to draw him to the things of God...this kind of daughter is not heard of in the world (and even in most Christian circles) today.  He will take notice.  And in this case, praying for your father is even more vitally important!


So, prepare to be a godly help-meet to your husband by being a godly, helpful daughter to your father...you'll never regret it.


All My Love,


Mom

My Purpose

I have been blogging randomly for a few years now.  It started as a business blog, and then I began to blog about the happenings around our home.  Because I am a mother to many, 11 to be exact, and run a home business my blogging has been sporadic at times, and dealt with all kinds of topics.  But lately I have been wanting to do something more purposeful with blogging.  After mulling this over for a few weeks, and praying about it this morning, I found a purpose for a new blog.  Letters to my daughters.


But why letters to my daughters in such a public forum?  Because my daughters encompass more than just my biological daughters, but they will be the focus of my posts.  I have mentored many young women through the years, both in my extended family as well as friends of my daughters and other young women who have come into my life.  These are my spiritual daughters.  They are not always available for teaching on a regular basis, so a blog is a great way to put all the things I want to share with them in a place where they can be found, anytime!


I am also inspired to put these things in a blog because someday I might not be here or able to share these things with my daughters.  I have no idea how many days God has given me to spend on this earth serving Him.  I may live to be over 100 years old like my grandmother, or I may only have a few days/weeks/years before I go home to be with my Lord.  I may live out my days with mental clarity, or I may experience things that make me unable to share these things with my daughters.


God has taught me so much through the years, things that I never learned growing up and things that have been lost in our culture.  I want to be able to pass on these things to my daughters so they can start their lives so much better equipped than I was.  This will enable them to better serve God all their lives by fulfilling the high calling of godly womanhood right from the start.  Not floundering like I did trying to "keep up with the Jones's" and beginning my life as a home maker with little to no skills, and following the world's advice as to being a wife and mother.  I want to equip my daughters so that they enter marriage and motherhood with a good supply of the proper tools (and I'm not just talking about kitchen gadgets) and a strong relationship with their Lord that will carry them through the tough times.


I hope you are blessed by what I will share with you, and I pray the Lord will use this to equip many young women to make a difference in our world by fulfilling the High Calling of godly womanhood.