A Book for All My Daughters

No, no new letter yet.  But I have something just as good!  Last fall I was asked to contribute to a book about childbearing years.  The authors all have two things in common.  They have all given birth throughout their childbearing years.  Some had many children (like me) and some had only a few, with long time spans between having babies.  The second thing they all have in common is that they are women of faith.  Faith in the God of the Bible, and they each recognize that He is the author and creator of life, and that God uses our childbearing years to create us to be Christlike.

Relinquishing control (or perceived control) of our bodies to the creative work of pregnancy and childbirth has many correlations to the walk of a believer.  We have to take a back seat in order to really see the glory of what Christ is doing in us.  If we fight against God and choose to give in to our natural desire to control our lives in any way, then we are not allowing God to be Lord of our lives, and we will suffer for it.  If in no other way, we suffer from stress.  Because we are not God, we are not created with the ability to control most things, so when we try, we are putting stress into our lives.

Anyway, all that to say that this book is a great collection of stories.  Stories of faith and trust.  Stories of learning to recognize God's hand even in times of difficulty.  Stories of triumph and stories of intense heartache.  I wish all women of faith could read this book and learn of these women who have, in so many ways, "Been There, Done That."

Three Decades of Fertility was released in paperback and E-book on July 29!  You can use the link near the top of the right side bar for ordering (I will get a commission on your order so thanks in advance for ordering using my link!  With two trips to an Eastern European to rescue Priscilla, I'm sure any extra income will come in handy!).

But without further ado, please watch the trailer below, and click on the image in my side bar to read more about this book, and get a sneak peak at some of the stories, as well as other parts, of the book!

Trusting God - Dealing with Fear and Worry

My Daughters,


Trusting God may be one of the most important thing to do as a Christian. It begins when you trust Him for your salvation.  Trust is tied to belief - if you don't believe someone, you don't trust them.  Trust is like the second step we take as baby Christians.  First we believe that the Bible is true and the it is the Word of God, and then we trust that God will fulfill His promise to save us if we confess our sins and believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that He died to pay for our sins.  That is the first step of faith/trust that we take as a new believer.  But that is not the only step of faith that we need to take.


Once we have taken those first steps of faith and trust, we need to keep on walking by faith and trusting in God's promises!  Many people "pray the prayer" and figure they have their ticket to heaven and they are good to go - back to living life the way they want to and only thinking about or praying to God when they get into a situation they can't fix - like God is some kind of first aid kit, or supernatural fix-all.  But that is just not how it works.  I believe that there will be many who come before God as they enter eternity and find that their "ticket" is not valid!  Heaven is not a carnival and God is not a ticket taker - He is our loving creator and wants to have a vital relationship with us - one based on daily trust and faith.


But what does trust and faith have to do with fear and worry?  EVERYTHING!


I have said on more than one occasion that where there is faith, there is the absence of fear, and where there is fear, there is the absence of faith - it's a sliding scale - as fear grows, faith fails...as faith grows, fear flees!  I have learned this the hard way - there have been time when I was living in fear, debilitating fear, but God was faithful to me and taught me that I needed to believe in His promises and trust Him for everything.  I still battle this at times, but I try to turn fearful thoughts into prayers for increased trust and faith in God's loving sovereignty.


But you shouldn't take my word for it - let's see what God says in His word about worry and fear (fear leads to worry - when we worry, we are fearful - they go hand in hand).   We will also see what the Bible has to say about trusting in God and believing His promises.


Here is a sampling of verses I found that talk about fear - the majority of verses that came up on my search talked about fearing the Lord, or not fearing Him and the blessings or consequences of that, so I found it interesting what this first verse says about who/what you should fear!


*Deut 6:13  You shall fear only the LORD your God; and you shall worship Him and swear by His name.
Deut 31:8 The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”
Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
Psalm 34:4 I sought the LORD, and He answered me, And delivered me from all my fears.
Psalm 46:1-3 1 God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. 
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; 
3 Though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. 
Wow - I think I'd be tending to being fearful if all that was going on!
Prov 29:25 The fear of man brings a snare, But he who trusts in the LORD will be exalted.
Isaiah 41:13 For I am the LORD your God, who upholds your right hand, 
Who says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you.’
Luke 12: 6-7 Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God. 7 Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.


After reading all those verses, it's very clear that God does not want us to be fearful of anything - except that we are to fear Him.  Let me clarify what is meant to "Fear the Lord."  This does not mean that we live in fear of what God will do to us, like He's some cosmic bad guy out to make our lives miserable.  This type of fear  is more like standing in awe of Him - believing that He is omnipotent, sovereign, and omnipresent.  Those are big words that mean that He knows everything that has, is and will happen, that He is in control of everything and that He is present everywhere, all the time.  If you take time to think about all the God is and all the He does, and then think that God loves you personally and that He is intimately involved in your life even to the point of caring about the small details and daily struggles you are dealing with, it creates a sense of overwhelming appreciation, and a sense that God is even better, bigger and grander than our human mind can comprehend.  Kind of like the little boy on the trike in the movie "The Incredibles", where he seems to always be waiting around for "something amazing" to happen, and then we see what God has done or is doing and our reaction is, just like that little boy, "That was TOTALLY awesome."


Now let's take a look at what Jesus said about worry - and I think worry is definitely tied to fear - when we fear something, we begin to worry about it, right?  Just like Faith leads to Trust, Fear leads to Worry!


Matt 6:30-32 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! 31 Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ 32 For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.


Luke 12:22-31 And He said to His disciples, “For this reason I say to you, do not worry about your life, as to what you will eat; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. 23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. 24 Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds! 25 And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life’s span? 26 If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters? 27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. 28 But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you? You men of little faith! 29 And do not seek what you will eat and what you will drink, and do not keep worrying. 30 For all these things the nations of the world eagerly seek; but your Father knows that you need these things. 31 But seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you.


Clearly we can see from these two passages that God is aware of our needs and that He will provide for our needs, and that we are not to worry about them at all.  Now please note, this is talking about our NEEDS, not our wants.  God promises to meet our needs of clothing and food.  Most of us are expecting God to meet our wants, things we don't really need, but make our life easier, more pleasant.  God may provide for our wants, but He only promises to meet our needs!  


The Bible teaches us over and over that God is our provider - read some of the stories about the never-ending flour and oil for the widow, shoes that don't wear out as well as manna and birds for the Israelites to eat while they were in the wilderness,  Jesus feeding thousands at a time, and so many other stories of God's amazing providence for His people!  God still provides for His people - it might not be an overabundance, but you will have what you need when you need it.  Worrying accomplishes nothing.  Worrying can cause problems though - stress to our minds and bodies - high blood pressure, ulcers, depression, psychological disorders and more can be the result of worrying over things that we have no control over!  


Another less obvious result of worrying about the future is the lack of thankfulness!  When we are consumed with worry about how we are going to get what we perceive we need, we fail to appreciate what we have already received!  One cure for worry is to take time to count your blessings when you find yourself worrying about anything in your  life. Especially take time to remember times when God has met your needs in the past and thanking Him for His providence.  If you are constantly looking for things to be thankful for, you will have not time or opportunity to worry about what you are missing!  It can also be helpful to take time to look up and memorize passages of scripture, like those above, that tell of God's promises, storing them up in  your heart and mind!


So we can see from scripture that we are not to be fearful or worry about anything.  But can we do this on our own?  Of course not!  What do we need in order to avoid being fearful or worrying?  We need to believe God, ask Him to supply our needs and trust Him to do it.  


Let's take a little time to see what the Bible says about trusting in God:


Psalm 9:10 And those who know Your name will put their trust in You, For You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You.
Psalm 32:10 Many are the sorrows of the wicked, But he who trusts in the LORD, lovingkindness shall surround him.
Psalm 37:5 Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
Psalm 56:3 - 4 When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. 4 In God, whose word I praise, In God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid. What can mere man do to me?
Psalm 62:8 Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. 
Psalm 91:1 - 3 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. 
2 I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust!” 
3 For it is He who delivers you from the snare of the trapper and from the deadly pestilence.
Psalm 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding.
(That is my personal favorite!)
Proverbs 29:25 The fear of man brings a snare, But he who trusts in the LORD will be exalted.
Isaiah 26:3 The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, Because he trusts in You.
Jeremiah 17:7 Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD.
Daniel 3:28 Nebuchadnezzar responded and said, “Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego, who has sent His angel and delivered His servants who put their trust in Him, violating the king’s command, and yielded up their bodies so as not to serve or worship any god except their own God.
Daniel 6:23 Then the king was very pleased and gave orders for Daniel to be taken up out of the den. So Daniel was taken up out of the den and no injury whatever was found on him, because he had trusted in his God.
Phil 1:12 - 14 Now I want you to know, brethren, that my circumstances have turned out for the greater progress of the gospel, 13 so that my imprisonment in the cause of Christ has become well known throughout the whole praetorian guard and to everyone else, 14 and that most of the brethren, trusting in the Lord because of my imprisonment, have far more courage to speak the word of God without fear.


Did you notice that many times men trusted in God even when imprisoned and facing probable death!


That is a lot said about trusting in God - and there were many others I didn't include!  I believe that when God talks a lot about something in the Bible, it is very important to Him!  Trusting in God is not something that comes naturally - it is learned!  It is based on a foundation of faith in God - believing that He is who He says He is, and that the Bible is His word, and that He will do what He says He will do.  Once you have you faith in God, you have the foundation necessary to develop trust.


I refer to developing trust because that's just how it works, unless God miraculously instills trust in your heart!  When we are in a relationship with another person, we will not share our deepest needs, biggest fears or personal struggles with that person - we will need to get to know them better.  We build up trust in someone through the events in life - are they trustworthy?  Do they keep your confidence or do they blab what you have told them to everyone?  When you ask them to do something, do they follow through or forget that they promised to help you?  When they say they are going to give you something, do they follow through?  The same is true of our relationship with God, except that we can see His track record through scripture!


The first thing to begin to build trust in God is to read His word, paying attention to how He cared for His people and provided for them!  Watching how He always fulfilled His promises and always did what He said He would do!  


The next way to build trust is God is to watch for His hand in the events in your life - even the little ones, even in things that you didn't ask Him for!  God knows our needs and loves to provide for them even when we don't realize we need them until they are provided.  For example, recently I had some shopping to do, but being over 6 months pregnant and 48 years old, I was getting tired and knew that I was limited in what I could accomplish that day.  I didn't stop and think about this, but noticed that day that I always got parking places very close to the doors of the stores I had to go in, and that the lines I got in for checking out were far shorter than any others in the store!  God knew what I needed that day, and provided for me even though I didn't even think to ask for it!  If we are looking for how God provides for our needs throughout the day, we will begin to grow in our trust, and then when the big things happen in life that can shake us to our core, we can trust God even then!


We also build our trust in God by actively placing out trust in Him.  Trusting in God and not being fearful or worrying is a choice.  Our natural, sinful nature will always have a knee-jerk reaction to trials of becoming fearful and worrying about anything and everything.  But we need to develop a habit of making the choice to place our trust in God and keeping it there.  Sometimes, when things are especially difficult, I have found myself stating for myself what I believe - "God is Good, in everything and in every way!"**  "God loves me and cares for me and is doing this for my good and His glory."  "I WILL TRUST HIM"  In times like that I  try to remember what Job said after everything was taken from him, and nearly all his family was killed - "Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him" (KJV).  Our hearts will follow our minds.  Even when you don't feel like God is doing this for your good, you must place your trust in Him and state what you know to be true!


I  also want to share with you the blessing of placing your trust in God, in any situations - peace.  God grants us peace when we place our trust in Him.  This peace can be an inner peace even in the midst of terrible suffering and turmoil.  Here are some of God's promises about His peace that He gives to His children:


John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.


John 16:33 These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.”


And here's my favorite verse to remind me of what to do when I feel worry and fear creeping into my heart and mind, I try to quote these verses and place in His hands the concerns facing me:


Philippians 4:6 - 7  Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.


Now that's a promise you can hold onto - I have experienced this peace.  When our Esther was just 3 months old, we had to hand her over to the nurse to take her in to have open heart surgery.  I had prayed and prayed that God would keep Esther safe, but I had also prayed that God's perfect will would be done.  Handing her over was one of the most difficult things I have ever done as a mother.  I cried hard for a little while, and then my husband and I went to the waiting room.  I laid down on a couch and fell asleep!  God's perfect peace had come over me and enabled me to sleep!  I had hardly slept the night before, but I slept soundly for over an hour.  Only God can do something like that!  Soon we were back with Esther and she had started a nearly miraculous recovery from her surgery and has never had any heart issues since that time.  But even if God had willed things to turn  out differently, I know that He would have been there for me and would have been granting me peace as long as I was holding tight to the promises of God.


Have you ever noticed how many New Testament letters start or end with the phrase " Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ." some variation of that?  Nearly all of them!  Sounds like having God's peace is something they valued - and well they should as they were experiencing some serious persecution!  But imprisonment and probably death could not rob those early Christians of the peace that God gave them - and there's nothing in this world that can rob you of God's peace unless you allow it to happen by letting fear and worry get a stronghold in your heart and mind! 


Lastly, I want to share with you something I have learned the hard way.  God gives grace for us in every situation He ordains in our lives, but He doesn't give grace for the "What Ifs".  When we take on tomorrow's worries, we are on our own.  Matthew 6:34 says “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  We rob our today's of joy by taking on tomorrow's worries.  And we go there without the grace God would/will give if/when the "what if" you are worrying about comes about. When you find yourself worrying about the "what ifs", ask the Lord to give you a peace about tomorrow, and then "take every thought captive" (II Cor 10:5).  When your tomorrow's come and they bring those things we are tempted to worry about tomorrow, you will be given the grace to endure, and a peace the passes understanding, but you will not be given those things ahead of time by worrying.


So whenever you find yourself being fearful or worrying about anything, stop and pray and place whatever it is that is bothering you in God's hands and watch to see God move in your life to grant you peace, provide for your needs and fulfill His promises in your life!


All my Love,


Mom


* I have used BibleGateway.com to do my scripture searches, and unless otherwise noted, all scripture is quoted in New American Standard version
**my friend, Debby Gustafson's favorite saying, even as she was dying from cancer

Learning to Love

My Daughters,


We all love fairy tales...a young innocent girl pines away in her castle for her true love, Prince Charming, to rescue her from her dull life.  Prince Charming arrives on his trusty steed and whisks the young girl off her feet, they have their "true love's first kiss" and they ride off into the sunset, right?  In some of the fairy tales, they get married, in some you assume they do.  But it's usually the basic boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happily ever after.  And you have probably thought about your prince charming and played pretend about getting married and living happily ever after, but when you look around at the lives of people you know, those who live happily ever after without a care in the world are few and far between (and possibly extinct, right?).


The love portrayed in fairy tales is just that, a fairy tale.  It doesn't exist, and it shouldn't exist, in our real world.  Occasionally you will hear of couple who "fell in love at first sight", but that is a fallacy...they may form a desire at first sight, but there is no possible way to develop a love that lasts a lifetime based on first impressions.  There might be something that makes you think "he may be the one", but it is definitely not love.  You may even be very impressed by someone's appearance or demeanor to the point of wanting to know that person more, but that is not love either.  Many people confuse desire for love.  Looking at another person and liking what you see, is not love, it is desire.  Just like you might see a candy that looks delicious, and it's appearance makes you desire to taste it...but until you bite into it you have no idea what's inside.


One time I was travelling and stopped by a little coffee shop and purchased some delicious looking chocolates.  They were expensive, but they looked so scrumptious that I just could not resist...they were worth the price, at least I believed they were worth the effort to find out.  I was in a hurry, so I took them with me to the car to eat while I was on the ferry.  Once I was settled and parked on the ferry, I opened the package and took out one of the chocolates...man it looked good!  I took a little nibble and it was as delicious as it looked - smooth creamy chocolate that melts in you mouth as smooth as silk...so I took a bite that went all the way to the middle...YUCK!  The middle tasted like mold!  How disgusting!  I have never tasted anything so vile when expecting something so delicious!


People can be like that chocolate.  You can only see what's on the outside.  Even when you spend lots of time with other people!  Unless you live with that person you probably won't see the real deal.  Most people put their best face forward, especially when they are not at home.  You might think you know someone, but until you spend a lot of time with them, and especially spend time with them in their home and with their family, you probably know only what they want you to know about them!  They may look like wonderful chocolate, but you have no idea if they are harboring something disgusting inside.


So how in the world can you ever find a true Prince Charming?  You don't.  Wait on the Lord, seek His face and find your all in Him.  Look to Him to fill all your needs and learn to love others the way Christ loves us.  In God's perfect timing, He will bring "The One" He has chosen for you into your life. But that is for another letter - there's so much more to say about that.


This letter is about love.  The kind of love that takes work.  The kind of love that lasts a lifetime.  The kinds of love that will continue even after you have found something unlovable in the object of your love.  The love I want to share with you today is not a feeling (but it can result in strong feelings), but a choice.  It's a commitment to love another person regardless of what they can do for you.  This is called Agape love, and it  is a love that is unconditional.  This is the kind of love that Jesus has for us.  He loved us while we were yet sinners and died for us even before we loved Him.


This kind of love is what it takes to make a marriage work.  A total, 100% commitment to loving your spouse no matter what they have done to earn your love, or what they have done to earn your wrath.  But how can you have this love?  How can you learn to love in this way?


God is the only one who can enable you to love in this manner.  He has placed you in your family for a purpose - to learn to love unconditionally.  Family is forever...friends may come and friends may go, but your mother and father will always be your mother and father, and your sisters and brothers will always be your sisters and brothers.  Living with your family, day in and day out, will give you ample opportunities to choose to love others even when they are unlovable.  I know this is true in our family!


What does this kind of love look like in a family?  This is the kind of  love that will do things for others.  This kind of love will mean going beyond what is required of you.  If you see that your sister or brother has left his shoes out on the lawn and it is beginning to rain, you will go out there and grab the shoes and put them away for your sibling...and not even tell them about it.  This kind of love will cause you to think "I should make some popcorn today because my sister loves popcorn and that would make her happy".  Agape love puts the other person first, regardless of their worthiness to receive this love.  Remember, God loved us while we were most unlovable - before we accepted His gift of salvation, while we were still living a life of selfishness and breaking His laws and hating Him.  Agape love is choosing to love someone and committing yourself to loving that person no matter what.


But, you may ask, what does Agape love have to do with marriage - aren't married couples already "in love"?  Isn't the love already mutual?  It might be, but in any marriage there will come a time when your spouse will not meet your expectations, or he might even do something really terrible.  We are all sinners, saved by God's grace.  We don't stop sinning the moment we become a child of God.  But we have forgiveness through Christ's blood.  But sometimes our sins, and the sins of others, can hurt those we love.  Sometimes we don't even realize that we have hurt those we love.  And many times, the sins of those we love hurt us.  But that does not give us a right to withhold our love for them.  If you have made a commitment to love your family with an Agape love, then you will continue to love them even when they seem unlovable.


Use this time in your life to practice unconditional love to the members of our family.  Treat them as you would your best friend - pray for them, forgive without being asked, think of things that you can do that will make them enjoy the day, do things for them that will make their burdens light,  and plan your activities to include them.  Even when you don't feel like it.  Remember, just because you feel something, it doesn't mean it's true! When you don't feel like showing Agape love, remind yourself of all that God, through Christ, has done for you and remind yourself that you have committed to loving that person unconditionally and chose to do something special for that person today.


I know this works. I have experienced this in my life.  A very wise counselor told me that in order to release the resentment I had built up towards someone in my life, I had to chose to love that person.  I had to pray for that person.  I didn't live with this person, so for the most part, I could only pray.  But every time I thought of that person or began to recount in my mind all that that person had done to hurt me, I stopped myself and said a prayer that God would bless them and give them a wonderful day and that that person would feel the love of God.  It took a long time, but after a few months I began to realize that I was no longer resentful towards that person.  I was actually feeling positive towards that person and began to see them in a new light.  Since that time I can say that I have no more resentment (even when that person does something that offends me) and that I have a genuine love for that person.


Your emotions can and will follow your mind.  Choose to love those in your family and learn to pour out love on them and this will prepare you for loving your husband.  Loving your husband is not something that will come easily at all times...yes, there will be times when your husband does things that create a strong feeling of love, but there will be many other times when your husband will not create these feelings and that is when your commitment to love him "in sickness and in health, in rich or in poor" will take all that is in you and then some...but God is able and with His help you will be able to say with Paul "I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength."  Love God, ask for His wisdom and strength, and love your family (and in the future, your husband) at all times and all circumstances.


All My Love,


Mom

Great Expectations

My Daughters,


As a follow up to my last letter, I wanted to touch on the subject of expectations.  When you were a little girl you expected your mom to fix your meals, wash your clothes. In general you expected your parents to take care of you and meet all your needs.  This is right and good.  As you begin to grow up you begin to do more and more of those things on your own, and expect less and less of your needs to be met by your parents.  But, on occasion, your mother might do something for you that you are in the habit of doing for yourself, like tidying your room for you or making your bed for example.   When this happens you are pleasantly surprised right?  You want to thank her and let her know how nice that was.


Now, what if your mother has usually made the bed for you still, even beyond when you could do it yourself, but for some reason she kept doing that for you each morning.  When you see your bed made, you hardly take notice, and you probably would not think to thank her for doing that for you.  And if one day she is unable to make your bed due to illness or forgetfulness, you might even be irritated and wonder what she was thinking to inconvenience you so.


I know this example is a little silly, but I wanted to make a point about expectations.  When we expect something and that expectation gets met, it gets little notice and it is more like just checking it off of a list of some sort.  And then, when our expectations are not met, it can lead to frustration, irritation, bitterness and even to a damaged relationships!


In a marriage, expectations can be deadly.  As little girls and young women we often dream of the kind of man we hope to marry.  We think about all the wonderful things he will do for us and how wonderful he will make us feel.  We dream of the home he will provide for us, the children he will help you raise and so many other things.  But you need to be careful as you build your image of your future husband.  Be very careful.  God has the perfect future spouse for you...he will be perfect for you, but he will not be perfect.  Your spouse will challenge you in many ways as God uses him to mold you into His image.  But your expectations can get in the way of that process.


I know all about this, because I did this.  I had high expectations of marriage and what a husband should and should not be.  For starters, I was looking for a tall, dark and handsome young man who would romantically sweep me off my feet, surrounding me with giddy feelings and stars in my eyes.  But God, in His infinite wisdom instead brought to me a sincere friend who loved me for who I was, flaws and all.    He wasn't tall or dark, but he was handsome...but 30% is not a passing grade in a classroom, right?  I overlooked God's best for me and sought elsewhere for my perfect husband...I almost married the wrong man - he was tall and dark , but not exceptionally handsome (60% is a passing grace, right?).  I had stars in my eyes and he was romantic, but those stars blinded me to fatal flaws in his character.  I am so thankful that God stepped into my life and removed those stars and showed me the path I was walking down before it was too late....a path that would most likely lead to a difficult marriage, abuse and falling away from my walk with Him.


The problem with my expectations was that I was using the world's standards as my own, and looking at outward appearances.  We have to be very careful that our expectations line up with God's best for us.  


My mindset of expectations didn't end there though.  Even though I followed God's direction and soon realized the more valuable character qualities in your father,  as well as seeing the blessing of having a dynamic friendship as the solid foundation on which to build a marriage, I still brought expectations into our marriage relationship that caused us many trying times.


For example, in my mind, husbands were expected to take out the trash for example.  I have no idea where I got this idea, but it was probably all those TV sitcoms I watched growing up!  So, by expecting my husband to take out the trash, I would not take notice of when it did get taken out.  But if it wasn't taken out when it needed to go, I would fume and fuss, get irritated, eventually take it out myself grumbling the whole way...and I would let him know that he had let me down, and in not so subtle ways.  There were many such expectations that I had, so there were many times that I would be irritated with him.


Now, let's put on the other shoe, so to speak.  Let's say that your future husband expects you to get up every morning and fix his breakfast and sack lunch for him...his mother always did this for his dad, so he expects it of you.  Every morning you do this for him and he eats the breakfast and grabs the lunch, wishes you a good day and heads out the door...after a few months you begin to feel neglected and un-appreciated as he never thanks you for your dedicated service to him.  And then when you are not feeling well and sleep in, your husband bangs around in the kitchen, grumbling about having to make his own breakfast and lunch...and maybe even making a snide comment in the evening about whether or not your would laze around in bed again tomorrow or not.  Does this make you want to get up with him the next day when he never says thank you and makes life miserable for you when you don't do it?  You can't win, right?


But now let's say you do not expect your husband to take out the trash.  When it's full, you take it out.  And then one day you are in the back yard and you look up to see your husband taking out the trash - WOW!  You are so thankful that he thought to do that for you!  You make a point of thanking him!  He get's husband brownie points for sure!  Or let's say that your husband never expects you to get up with him in the morning, and then one day you do - he is so thankful that you are there to share conversation (and possibly Bible time) with him, and he will exclaim over the wonderful breakfast...he might even brag to his co-workers about the exceptionally good lunch you prepared for him.  Would that response make you want to do it again for him?  Of course it would.


So remember, when you expect something...you can and will be disappointed.  But when you don't expect something you just might be pleasantly surprised!


All my love,


Mom

Dealing with Daily Frustrations and Trials

My Daughters,


If you are anything like me, you deal with little irritations almost constantly, frustrations seem to interrupt even the best of days, and some days everything is irritating and frustrating.  And then there are trials...these are not trivial, are not easily "fixed" and may last for days/months/years.  How can we deal with these in a godly manner?  How can we go on when everything seems to be going against us?  How can we go on when our dreams seem to be slipping away and nothing we do seems to brings us any close to fulfilling our lifelong dreams and ambitions?


This is a really tough subject, and one that I fail at so often.  But I have gone through many trials, some great, some small, and on almost a daily basis I am faced with irritations and frustrations and I am not so good at handling these properly...so I am sharing with you what I know to be true, but am still trying to apply it in my life and working to develop good habits in this area.


Before I get into ways to deal with frustrations and trials, we need to talk about who God is, and how He works in our lives.  I believe God is sovereign...but what does sovereign mean?  I found this definition on Theopedia.com -  "all things are under God's rule and control, and that nothing happens without His direction or permission. God works not just some things but all things according to the counsel of His own will (see Eph. 1:11). His purposes are all-inclusive and never thwarted (see Isa. 46:11); nothing takes Him by surprise. The sovereignty of God is not merely that God has the power and right to govern all things, but that He does so, always and without exception. In other words, God is not merely sovereign de jure (in principle), but sovereignde facto (in practice)."  Here are some great Bible passages that talk about the sovereignty of God that you should read - Lamentations 3:32-33, Romans 11:23, Matthew 10:29-31, 2 Timothy 1:12, Proverbs 19:21, James 4: 14 - 15.


Our loving heavenly Father is active in our lives, carefully choosing what will and will not happen.  He uses all things to grow us, draw us to Him and deepen our relationship with Him...and how we react to trials and frustrations will directly correlate to how well we grow and whether or not our difficulties strengthen our walk with the Lord, or if we put a wall of sin up that hinders us from growing in grace.


Our natural, human response to problems is to ask the questions "Why Me?"  Our knee jerk reaction is that "life isn't fair, I don't deserve this" and we recoil in pain and we act like a victim.  But is that a godly response?  Job was going about his business one day when suddenly two servants ran to him and said that all his livestock had been stolen and their caretaker had been slain, and then another servant told him that all his flocks and servants had been killed by fire from heaven, and lastly another servant came and told him that all his 10 children and their families had been crushed to death in the oldest son's home that collapsed from a great wind.  Wow, can you imagine that?  Did Job cry out "Why me?  This isn't fair! I don;t deserve this?"  No, these are the words that he spoke in this moment of greatest suffering: "Naked I came from my mother’s womb, And naked shall I return there. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.”  Now that is a godly response to trials.  And the Bible also tells us that "In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong".  


I have a secret weapon for you to use when things seem to go wrong - when you heart cries out "why me?"  make that questions "Why is God bringing this into my life, what is His purpose and what is He trying to teach me?"  Go to Him and ask Him to lead and guide your thoughts, actions and words that you may grow and learn and be molded into the likeness of His son, Jesus Christ, right from the start of the trial that has come into your life.  Look for His hand in everything, go straight to Him - my tendency when a trial hits is to call my mom, my friends...and I seek God last...but I have that all backwards!  I must run to God first.


Let me tell you about how a potter makes a clay pot.  The potter molds the clay into the shape that he desires, but it is soft and pliable and not suitable for any purpose yet, it needs to be cured in a hot fire.  So he takes the pot and places it in the oven to cure.  When he thinks that it might be cured, he takes it our of the fire and flicks the edge of the pot to test if it is finished - if it makes ringing sound it is cured, and can be cooled and used.  If it is not cured, the sound will be more of a "thump".  That means it has not finished curing and needs to go back into that same fire again in order to finish the curing process.  We are like that clay pot and God is the potter.  When we find ourselves facing the same type of trial over and over again ("why do I keep having to deal with financial difficulties, when will I ever have more than just enough money?"), that is a big clue that God is working in your life to teach you something and you are not learning that lesson!


When we face a trial on our own strength and knowledge, we never learn anything from it and usually fall flat...we might muddle our way through, but we are miserable and disheartened.  We may even end up being angry at God or walk away from Him entirely, holding bitterness and resentment in our hearts.  But when we run to God when the trial comes and plead with Him for wisdom and strength, He will carry you through  - teaching, loving and molding you in the process.  And remind yourself what you know to be true about God's love for you and His sovereignty in your life.  In Jeremiah 29:11 He says "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  He loves you more than you will ever know.  And He has something very special for you, something you can only experience when you have turned to Him in the midst of a trial, and laid aside your worry in favor of trusting God and spending time in prayer with Him - Paul tells you "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6 - 7).


Did you catch that?  "With Thanksgiving"?  Thankful for trials?  You've got to be kidding, right?  No, he's not kidding.  James, the brother of Jesus also talks about being joyful in trials - "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."  So thanking God for a trial, and being joyful that you are experiencing a trial is the godly response....but that seems impossible, doesn't it.  Well, it's all in your perspective.  When you have gone through a trial and you have seen God work in and through it, drawing you closer to Him and showing you His love in the midst of the pain, you have that experience to draw upon in the future.  When you are facing a difficult trial, take time to remember how God has worked in your life (or in others) through trials, and remind yourself that God is at work in your life.  He is intimately working in you to create something beautiful.  Thank Him for loving you enough to not let you remain as you are, be joyful knowing you are not going through this alone and that God is  and is going to do something big in your life through this.


Lastly, in Romans 8:28, Paul tells us that " in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."  Did you catch that?  There's a condition in that promise.  This promise is for those who LOVE HIM.  Do you love Him?  Remember what I shared in my last letter about loving God?  Loving God is a daily decision to love Him, in the good times and bad times.  God isn't just a first aid station or a band aide.  You can't just live your life however you want, and then expect God to pick up he pieces when things fall apart. God wants you to love Him everyday and in all situations, so that when He does bring a trial into your life, you are coming into it with a full pool - full of the love of God in your heart and  a strong relationship to Him.  So be prepared, day in and day out, by steadfastly seeking the Lord and growing in your knowledge of Him and His truth, then the daily battles and the difficult trials will be tackled with God by your side as your best friend and confidant.


What about the day to day?  When it's little things and you find yourself getting all worked up by some frustration, is that any different?  Not really.  I believe God works in our lives in everything.  If you pray for patience, be prepared for trials, tribulations and irritations galore!  The only way we learn patience is by dealing with those things!   So when you feel yourself getting angry and frustrated, turn to God.  Say a quick prayer for wisdom and strength.  Take a minute to see what is really going on.  Take a deep breath, and  try to calm yourself.  God tells us that one of the fruits of the spirit is self control.  We don't have that naturally, but He gives that to us.  We need to seek Him in times of frustration.


What about hormone induced mood swings?  I know all about those!  These can be a regular part of your life, but they can be especially strong during phases of a woman's life - especially at the beginning and ending of our child bearing years, during pregnancy and after having baby.  First let me say that hormone induced emotions are not an excuse to sin.  Run to God during these times, and if necessary go to a quiet room until the mood swing passes.  Be sure you are taking good care of yourself - eating good foods, taking healthy supplements (vitamin B complex is vital), getting your rest, and look into taking herbal remedies ("Remifemin", a low does black cohosh remedy has helped me tremendously) to help balance your hormones.  And please get help if you find yourself spiraling down into deep depression no matter what you do, as sometimes our bodies can get so out of balance that we need medical help to remedy the situation, but this should not be your first defense - God is your first defense.


When you are living your life with God first, then you will be able to say with King David "I lift up my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip – he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you – the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm – he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." (Psalm 121:1-8)

All my Love,


Mom